These are a few of my favorite things..

In light of the looming holiday season, I figured it was time to dedicate a few minutes to think about those things in my life that I am thankful for. Not because I want to create a brag list about how perfect my life is (it isn't) or because its almost Thanksgiving so its obligatory. For me, this is more of a needed reminder - in the midst of this chaotic, exhausting valley of recent weeks, there is so much to be thankful for.
I am thankful for my family.
For my parents, who are letting us invade their home while we hang out in limbo for another month until getting our own place. They haven't said a word about us overtaking their space with piles of baby toys/gear/clothes and filling their garbage with an endless stream of diapers. For being there to help with the kiddos and for taking turns bouncing my screaming babe for hours on end.
For my sister, who has been a load of help during this crazy time of me not being to full function (or any function). Driving Josiah to school, letting us invade her space and sharing lunch.
For my cousin and a dear friend - who both have driven me to Fargo for appointments for myself and Delia, dropped their days to be here helping me and reminding me this won't last forever.
For Josiah. We have been blessed with such an amazing boy! He is so incredibly smart, perfectly healthy, and has a great sense of humor. He melts my heart when he gets so excited about certain Bible stories or hears something that reminds him of one of his verses he memorized at school. He sings his heart out and loves to dance.
For Eden. We've had her home for just over a year now - and I am constantly in awe of her even being alive, much less being so incredible. Her life and her perfect health is a blessing beyond words. She entered this world about the size of her current 'hambone'! She looks out the window across the room and chuckles at the birds - reminding me that her eyes are perfect! She hears every tiny noise. She is THISCLOSE to walking on her own two feet, with her own chubby legs! I am just in awe of how powerful God has shown Himself to be through every battle He's brought her through.
For Hannah. I don't know how one can be thankful for the loss of their child, and I still have many days where I ask God those BIG questions. But I am so thankful for what she has taught me. About cherishing your children. About faith. About Heaven. Losing her brought me to the book "Safe in the Arms of God". If you haven't read it, please do. I am thankful for the months I got to spend with her in my tummy and every crazy kick and summersault. I am thankful for the minutes I got to hold her tiny body after she had already been given a healthy Heavenly body. I am thankful for all that I KNOW God is going to do in our lives having brought us through this experience. I am thankful for my sweet little boy who often talks about his Hannah in Heaven. For my chubby-faced Eden, who daily gives me a glimpse at how beautiful Hannah is right now.
For Delia. I am so thankful for this surprise in our life. God gave us this one child with no struggle with my fertility issues. One child we didn't wait years for, didn't cry over not being able to have on our time table, didn't need to have medicines or medical procedures to have. There she was. I am so thankful for one last pregnancy, with minor complications. One last round of baby kicks and wiggles in my belly. One last new baby cry fresh from the womb. I am so thankful that she came to us healthy and huge ;) And I am thankful for every smile and coo that I am catching in her good moments. I am thankful for the hours when the only place she will sleep is on my chest.
The list goes on. Of course, I am thankful for the standard things. We have food, shelter, income, family, friends and the majority of us have good health. We live in a country where we have good doctors for those of us that need them ;) I am thankful that even with all of the chaos and uncertainty surrounding this recent move, we are close to friends and family - and our nieces and nephew especially, so we can be closer to them watching them speed out of childhood.
I am thankful for my God, who is far Bigger and more powerful than anything I am facing or will face in the future. I am thankful for His love, His forgiveness and the evidence of His miracles in my life. But perhaps if I had to pinpoint one of His qualities which I am currently most thankful for (is that possible?) - right now it is that His arms are strong enough to carry me through anything. He gives me another ounce of energy when a child needs me and I am beyond exhaustion. He puts people around me to be strong when I can't - drive when I can't, hold my babies when I can't, etc. He has carried me and this family of mine through so much already, and I know He will carry me through this season as well. And OH, the peak after this valley!!! I can only imagine what is in store :)

The in-between

(I wanted to be sure to add some lighter notes too)

This girl keeps us laughing. She is truly fascinated by dogs, dog tags, dog noises, dog movements, dog ears, pictures of the dog... Anything related to dogs brings out her belly laugh as she chases them around. She finally popped two more teeth on top so we might have a teething break AND as an added bonus she no longer will look like a jack-o-lantern since she's evening out the front now ;) Daylight savings time has not found her yet - she is ready for bed by 6 and up by 5 no matter what! But she wakes up so happy (and SO hungry), you can't really have a better alarm clock!

And this girl! I don't want her to get a bad rap just because she has some crazy tummy issues :) Yesterday was a fairly good day for her and we were able to have some awake time that was happy! You can just tell that she is a happy baby trapped inside this crap stomach. She slept through the night twice this week! She is starting to babble and has such a great smile - when she is able to smile it melts away so much of the stress from her other personality ;)

And our little man. He reminds us every day that time goes too fast! I don't know when he got so big, so smart and so independent. He needs our help less and less these days ;(  But he is a jokester. He loves to play tricks and make up jokes, and he is ticklish beyond belief!

I am so thankful for the in-between. The moments where we have been able to take a quick breath and see one of these smiling faces. That is all the silver lining we need ;)

Helter Skelter

So Steve leaves tomorrow for 3 days out of town followed by a half day at home and 6 more days out of town. Panic has set in.
Delia screams all day long. Something is wrong but nobody knows what. I need to get her to a certain pediatrician in Fargo who will then likely suggest a GI visit. Seriously. Screams. All. Day. Long.
Eden is a one-year-old. A perfect one-year-old. Perfect one-year-olds are trouble. Crawling/Scooting everywhere. Opening every cupboard, finding every non-babyproofed area at Papa's house. Always wanting to be where she shouldn't be. Popping multiple teeth. Chasing the dogs and wanting to poke their eyes. Laughing/crying hysterically (amazing the mood swings of a toddler!).
Josiah is in crisis mode. This transition hit him harder than I could have imagined. He had an extra, unexpected week off before starting his new school, which means an extra week of no routine. He does NOT thrive with no routine.
The underlying current which makes all of this seem impossible to me is that I am currently fighting some unknown issue which doctors are trying to figure out. My family doctor thinks I may have had an onset of MS during this last pregnancy. I cannot drive without panic setting in - driving tends to be where these episodes start. I lose strength in my arms which makes me petrified to pick up my kiddos - unsure if my arms will hold them. They feel like bags of packed wet sand rather than functioning limbs. And so, during the past months, I haven't gone anywhere alone - Steve has to drop me off/pick me up. I don't stay alone with the kids because if this happens to set in, I don't know how I will make that work. It is scary. Some days I don't have the physical ability to bounce my screaming infant for hours until she  finally settles for a 15 minute nap. I can't drive her to visit a doctor. I cannot constantly be chasing/picking up my one-year-old - especially not if I have my infant in my arms because I'm constantly gripping my other hand to make sure an arm doesn't give out. How am I going to get my preK kiddo to school with my husband now starting work? How am I going to get anywhere for that matter? I feel trapped.
We visited with a neurologist in Fargo last week and I go in for a very extensive MRI tomorrow - covering three different areas with and without contrast for each. Sounds like a very nice, overdue nap to me! Another option she mentioned is that theses symptoms could be from very severe migraines even though I am not having the headache associated with them? Either way, I need an answer, I need it fixed and I need to be able to function. It is making this transition seem impossible to have this going on along with everything else. And I'm pretty sure we've had enough happen in the past couple of years - is one more crisis really necessary? What life lesson are we supposed to be learning - like we are missing it each time so we keep getting another crisis thrown at us to try again?
I KNOW I cannot win this battle on my own. I cannot handle the baby that screams every waking hour on my own strength. I cannot handle the used-to-be-precious little boy throwing ridiculous tantrums every day on my own strength. I cannot function as a mother on my own strength. The question then becomes - at what point do I excuse myself from the real life of the day to spend time with the One who can give me that strength? Where is quiet even available for that matter?! If you've found something that works, please let me know ;)

Taking the long way...

AAAGGGGHHH! Totally not grammatically correct, but can you hear me screaming?! Today we had to go to Fargo for a doctor appointment and THEN we had to drive to Rochester to do a final cleaning of our house. Of course, we are kid-free for this lovely ride but OH MAN is it a crazy long ride! I am going van crazy - and that is even with this ridiculous mobile broadband card which is allowing me to wrack my mind for random things to look at online to keep me occupied. My eyes are bugging out. Steve is screaming the song "Too many beans" at the top of his lungs. He's jealous that I get the fun seat and all he gets to do is shove swedish fish in his mouth. The drive was long enough when it was Rochester to Fergus - that extra hour added in there is just torture even for two semi-adults!
We've been playing this game trying to drive the other crazy with grating voices/noises. I don't get bothered easily ;) But I do hate the smell of swedish fish! Blast.
Our first week in Fergus was NOT a success. Love seeing family of course - has nothing to do with that at all. Lets do a brief rundown since I have nothing better to do.
1. Delia is back to the version which screams 80% of the day. No joke. I hate it because something is wrong, she is clearly uncomfortable, but of course our doctor said she didn't see an issue. We switched formulas- got rid of the milk protein - this bought us a few days reprieve, but she is back at it in full swing this week. It is physically and emotionally exhausting for both Steve and I - and this is with both of us home dealing with it. When we get it worked out, she is the happiest thing! But in between its miserable.
2. Eden got sick. We went in initially and the doc (whom I didn't really enjoy) said it was likely strider/croup. No meds, just use a humidifier and keep her room cool. Done. Turned into a nasty cold (hopefully just a cold). THEN she falls on her face (once every 10 minutes) and lands on the knob of the entertainment center, slicing her gums open and gushing blood which would NOT stop. One positive thing about it - it FINALLY cut her other front tooth through! But it was awful. Then she didn't want to eat or touch a cup to her mouth for another day afterward as I'm sure it hurt like crazy. PS Eden is now waking before 6am daily!
3. Josiah is going through what I can only hope is a terrible transition phase. It is AWFUL. He threw a fit on Halloween like we have NEVER seen before. Over eye drops. Because something was in his eye and it was terribly irritated and looked painful. Then we have had this same fit repeated almost every single night at bed time.  He is not a fit-thrower! He is typically so well-behaved. It is beyond frustrating. Maybe mostly because I feel like it is our fault - pulling him out of 5-days a week full time FRIENDS his age and school - structure and constant socializing, taking him to a new place and being stuck home with mom and dad who are busy dealing with the drama his baby sisters are putting us through right now.... we don't have nearly as much time as he needs from us. I had the best of intentions. We bought fun supplies to do projects and activities from a cool science workbook we found. These projects would be done daily during the girl's nap time. Huh. What nap time? Who is napping these days? Maybe Eden if we are lucky. Poor guy. So instead he is lashing out and turning into this crazy person. In the midst of these fits I'm caught between wanting to yank him and put him on his bed versus grabbing him and hugging him so tightly and assuring him(me) that its going to get better. It has to get better. UGH.
This road trip is the perfect cap to our week! Feeling like a Debbie Downer, but thats really how the week went. I can't make this stuff up ;) Hoping that this little break gives us all a chance to recharge and figure out a new/better plan for next week. Only a few more days of Steve being home with us and after the week we just went through his words were "I don't know how you could possibly do this by yourself". I'm thinking now I will likely put Josiah in daycare of some sort in the mornings before he has school (three days per week). He needs kids his own age and to be kept busy. He has watched more tv this week than in the past year combined and I'm not a fan. I think it would really be best for all of us if he got his time away from the girls. There is just too much of an age gap between him and Eden - and too little of one between the two girls - for him to be happy right now. I need my happy boy back!

And now back to the road trip. Its a good thing we still have our sense of humor :) Steve is now breaking out the steering wheel drum so its clear he's gone long enough without my interaction - HA! Does your spouse sing along to songs slurring through all of the words he doesn't know? Do you find it endearing?! When we stopped for gas a few minutes back, I locked him out of the car. He danced his way around the van and I proceeded to let him back in. We saw this on America's Funniest Videos once where the wife took several videos of her locking him out of the car until he would dance.  We still think its funny and dancing the entire way around the car was even better. Of course when he left the car the next time he took the keys. Bummer dude.