Well, hot dog...

(a working title…)

This blog post has been stirring in my heart for months, rolling in the back of my mind as I debated whether or not I wanted to cross THAT line. I'm a line crosser, as you know, but I try to step carefully whenever possible. Boldly only when I have to. When I started my latest grad school endeavor and thesis writing was being discussed the idea hit me like a smack in the face. And as I sat across the table from a dear friend sharing our passion for good food and our hearts for this discussion, I had to wonder why I had waited so long to share my heart about this with those around me but I was jumping in wholeheartedly for a team of professors and conference attendees (fingers crossed!). I have several theories about that, but we'll save that for later.. For now, I just feel like I need to share my heart on the issue.

Motherhood has become a competition. And I hate it. Lets just throw that out on the table. Hang with me here. Today more than ever, we are blasted with society's expectations of what it means to be a "good" mother. News media, advertising, blogs, commercials, magazines, tweets, and Facebook. All day long, we as mothers are bombarded with other people tellings us how to perform our role. Whether or not we should breastfeed our child (and if so, how long we should continue to breastfeed). Should we use cloth diaper or disposables. Whether or not you should homeschool. Whether or not you should practice babywearing. Only feed your child organic, scratch-cooked foods. Which language you should teach your child. Whether or not you should make your own cleaning products. Whether or not to spank your children. The list goes on and on. Every single aspect of your role (my role) as a mom is thrown at you by all of these sources of media (and our friends!) - and what is the result?

The result is that -like it or not- this is hurting moms all around us. A mom shouldn't be made to feel like they are any better or worse of a mother if they choose to put their baby in disposable diapers or if they choose cloth. A mom shouldn't be looked down on because they send their child to public school, or they send their child to private school or if they choose homeschool. If I serve organic foods only half of the time, I shouldn't be made to feel like I am poisoning my kids, or that I am any less of a mother than someone that serves only organic, local produce. If I choose not to spank my children and I have solid Biblical reasoning for that, I should not be told I am wrong because you have found verses to support your choice.

NO mother should be frowned upon for their choice about feeding their child. I feel like I should say that ten million times. Some mothers have no choice - some mothers cannot make any/enough milk and cannot breastfeed. Some mothers make the choice for formula for other reasons. But it is their choice. Research that I am looking at right now has shown that this one single issue has led new moms to serious depression, loss of joy, feelings of guilt, etc. - all because they feel shamed by the fact that they either were not able to do what they were told by society was expected of them in terms of infant feeding, or shamed by the fact that they chose formula. It makes me so sad that as women we are making other women feel that way - when as new moms they should be at the height of their joy! Just because something is the right choice for you and your child, does not mean it is the only choice or the right choice for the lady next to you. (phew..)

I think what is so tricky about these issues for us as women is that we are so incredibly passionate about them because, well, we are passionate about everything, but because we are so passionate about our kids. When we get on to these topics we dive in so eagerly. But what we don't realize is that we tend to come off as though we are pushing our agenda instead of simply sharing our ideas. I recently read a great post by my friend Vanessa who wrote about her decision to homeschool, and I was just so proud of how she framed that discussion. She came right out and said she was so hesitant for these very reasons - and this is really what got my wheels spinning! 

Let me tread very carefully here, but please hear me out: I feel like as Christian women, we can tend to be that much more passionate about our beliefs and child rearing or homemaking practices - and without even realizing we are doing so, we tend to be trying to one-up those around us (posting amazing facebook statuses!), or at the very least rather than "humble ourselves", we try to make it known that our practices are clearly the superior ones. I have never felt more judged than I have in the small, fishbowl town I recently moved back to. For wanting to work outside the home, for not homeschooling, for not breastfeeding, etc. I feel like at times we can hold our religious beliefs as an air of superiority, when in truth we are all heiresses in the same right. 

And rather than trying to convert one another to a different team, what we should be doing is supporting one another no matter what. Unless something wild and whacky is going on, it really is going to be okay if you and I and Jane down the street all make different choices about what kind of kindergarten we send our kids to. Instead of competing with one another, lets be honest with each other. The fact is, this is a tough job! If we could get down and real with each other and truly come alongside one another in prayer and do life together - wow. Doesn't that sound so much better? It kind of sounds like a beach...

Thing One and Thing Two - and Three :) Happy August!

I need happy thoughts today, and this post is one in a line of a few that are overdue, so I figured I would take a break and get a couple posted! There haven't been too many moments to spare around here lately, so when you are ordered to take one, you probably should? ;) Well, just for a few minutes at least…
August will forever be a crazy month at our house! Steve and I were married on the 10th. Our twin daughters, Hannah and Eden, were born on the 13th. Delia was born on the 28th. If we left it at that, we could be busy I suppose. We also wanted to do some sort special thing just for Hannah. This year, we had decided we could do a joint birthday party since the girls are so young (I had such a hard time doing that!), but that was all the more reason for us to do a separate thing for a memorial of sorts. Then, being racked with guilt over their birthdays being event-less, I made Eden and Hannah a cake anyway and we spent the day at the lake swimming and letting Eden call the shots. Delia's day came two weeks later, though she wasn't feeling well, so there was more napping involved and less cake since she had residual cupcakes leading up to her big day and I was still feeling like a bad parent over how much frosting she consumed from her smash cake! At any rate, the crazed month of August has come and gone and it was a pretty big success. I haven't yet gotten a free minute to take down the remaining banners, but the house still feels festive. I'm just not inviting anyone over yet so I don't need to feel embarrassed ;)   (and excuse the jumbled pics, my foggy head isn't ready to create collages or organize them better right now. Maybe later!)

 

Three Stooges.

Our first event was the actual twins' actual birthday. (I say that because people always think Eden and Delia are twins and we are constantly having to explain that they aren't). So, on the 13th, we woke Eden with the traditional candle-lit breakfast (technically, she was already awake, but she was still in her bed - we know not to wake babies!) and we all sang happy birthday to her. We started this tradition when Josiah turned one and it is so fun. Especially with Josiah - whom we actually do wake up for daycare or school, and he is so caught off guard by it, the videos are hilarious! Eden LOVED this and Delia giggled from her crib too. After breakfast we let her open a little present and then spent the day at the lake swimming and letting Eden be the boss, dictating what we should do (who am I kidding - this girl thinks she runs the show all the time!). It was a really fun day! We capped it off with her fish cake - per her request, she wanted a "geen and pink" cake, and Steve decided it should be like the shape of a goldfish cracker. I made an executive decision not to actually carve it in the shape of a fish and just piped them on instead. She loved it though.
And at dusk, we went out on a pontoon with my parents and my sister's family and in the middle of the lake where Hannah's ashes were sprinkled, we sent these up. It was so beautiful. Eden kept shouting at the "full moons!" You could see them for miles. We only dropped two onto the water, but they looked pretty burning their too - so it wasn't a loss at all. Definitely doing this again next year.

I LOVED these lanterns. This was just plain amazing.

THEN came the joint party for the girls. It took some arm twisting, but I was able to be convinced to do a combined party this year. I don't know, for me, birthdays are a big deal. I love to make a huge deal out of my kids, and go crazy over birthdays - and I think especially for the girls its going to be important to keep them separate because it would be so easy to just "lump them together" because the dates are so close together. (If you have a similar situation throw some thoughts at me, I'm curious!) At any rate, this was fun and it turned out well, chaos and all!

 I LOVED the Dr. Seuss theme! I could have gone [even more] crazy with this theme! It was just plain fun. And it just seemed to fit. Our girls were turning 2 and 1 and people always thought they were twins, so we made Thing One and Thing Two shirts, and there you go! While my intention was to go hog wild with the food and label everything with Seuss-related names, life got in the way. Our red fish/blue fish were obvious. Our oodles of noodles, just plain noodles.

 I did, however, make red and white layered cupcakes resembling cat and the hat (they happen to be on the backside of this stand, blast!), and then green eggs and ham. I intended to cover my chocolate cupcakes with blue cotton candy thing hair, but I am a cotton candy machine nin-com-poop, and I could not figure it out, even with a good tutor. SO, they were just yummy chocolate. Which I like better, because I don't like cotton candy, but it doesn't look seuss-ish. The kids didn't know either way :) The adults had some delectable chocolate cake. For some reason they shy away from green food.

Hannah's Balloons

 And last, but certainly not least! Delia's actual birthday! Delia flipped out about her good morning greeting! It was just hilarious! I am so glad we capture these on video each year. After she scarfed down three pumpkin chocolate chip muffins (she is serious about good food!), we opened her little gifts. (We decided a joint party called for a joint gift and found a great deal on a play kitchen. It has since taken over our lives. But they love it so we are coming to terms. Sort of.) You can see that Eden was a diva during present time, not enjoying that these were not her presents! Too funny. I loved that Delia made a funny face while holding a lemon. Ironic, since she has no idea what it was. And she was WAY excited about the book. Even though she has yet to sit still for an entire story. Ever. Thought that was hilarious too. This girl cracks me up at least once every couple of minutes.

An Update on Miss BeDelia...

Today was our big day. And it was crazy HOT! We ended the day with the whole fam swimming in our pool - such a sweet relief after the stress of the day and the HEAT! And then Miss BeDelia let us know that she had HAD it, so off to bed. Did I mention she woke up the minute we snuck out of bed at 5:30? We left her bedroom door open to keep air moving (no central air here!) so she heard the first whisper this morning and JUMPED up. And off we went.
The morning went well. After dropping off Eden And Josiah with my sister (thanks!), we listened to Delia's angry hunger screams most of the trip. The girl likes her food! We got to the hospital and up to her room and it turns out the lovely nurse we first met knew Steve's relatives out west. That was an odd coincidence ;) And then came the ugly gown and booties. And then - the hospital crib and that blasted monitor. It kind of comes rushing back. The nurse did her best to rush through that part, bless her for that ;) Delia was a riot. She wanted to make a jungle gym out of this crib. So we took her down to the play room and she was just in lala land. She loved it! It was so great to have her to laugh at to keep us distracted :)
I brought her in to the MRI room because they wanted her to see one of us as she went to sleep. She didn't really care. She was so exhausted (likely from being so hungry), she passed right out. The anesthetists were hilarious, and it was great to have them be so light-hearted. They saw my knee-brace and offered to have me do a ride along MRI. Awesome. Turns out that that was a joke ;) They couldn't find a vein in her chubby hands, so they couldn't administer the hard-core anesthesia meds - and luckily they didn't need contrast for the pictures. They were kind enough to stop after three tries! Because of this, they just kept the mask magic going and she woke up much faster, so things moved much more quickly than anticipated with no 'recovery' period or whatever. It was literally like 45 minutes instead of 2 hours.
She came up Miss Crankypants! Totally thirsty and hungry. The amazing CRNA carried her all the way up to her room because she didn't want to lay on the bed they thought they were going to wheel her back on! What a guy! They gave us the okay to give her crackers and juice, and she angrily chowed away. She was groggy, but fine.
We left after a couple more checks of her vitals and got some lunch - then back to see the neurosurgeon and check out the pictures of her brain. Let me just say its kind of odd looking at your child's brain on a screen! Anyway- first they measured her head circumference and found that it has, in fact, grown since her 9mo check up which was in early June. Her line on the growth chart is not a curve, but its starting to make a straight line almost - going up, not over so much. Then the doc came in and showed us her scans. He said that her three ventricles are all larger than "normal", with her third ventricle being the puffiest of the three. These ventricles are filled with spinal fluid, and he gave us all kinds of details I won't bore you with here. At any rate, He showed us that her brain is clear of tumors or cysts - so that is not what is causing this fluid build up - Thank God! He said that the size of the ventricles is currently right on the border of being cause for surgery - so he is comfortable with us waiting to see her pediatrician at her 12 month check up in August since it is so soon. If her head circumference increases or plateaus only slightly, he would do the surgery. If it happened to go down toward the "normal" curve (back toward everyone elses head size), he said it would be something we would leave alone and just monitor for awhile since we do have this in our family history, we won't just ignore its presence.
THEN - there are two options he mentioned as far as procedures. One is a shunt - he would go in and put in a shunt which would create a path for this fluid to drain into her stomach and then it would get absorbed by her bloodstream. The problems he mentioned with this procedure are that kids can grow out of shunts - meaning more surgeries to put in bigger ones - and also they can get blocked or infected, meaning more surgeries to put in new ones or treat infections, etc. However, this procedure is the commonplace thing, standard option, etc. The second option has a really long name he breezed over, but basically it would be a procedure which would create a larger opening for the ventricle in question so that it could flow more on its own. This is a one-time fix and she would never have to worry about this issue again. The downfall is that based on her size, she would have to be "accepted" as a candidate. I like this option because its a one time thing - but it is more risky, according to this guy. He also openly said he doesn't do the procedure and we would have to go to a younger, newer doc to have it done. Well, then I would go to a younger, newer doc either way?? Yikes. But he actually would send us to a pediatric neurosurgeon for that procedure which they don't have in Fargo, so then I could go back to my comfort zone anyway.
He said that he would send his notes to our pediatrician by the end of today so she could call us and discuss that or set up an appointment to review it. I am SO blessed to have been referred to a great pediatrician - I know she will call me personally ;) (Thanks Gretchen!)
I don't know. On one hand, I am SO, SO, SOOO thankful. I am praising God that there are no tumors in this sweet baby's head! No major cysts or blockages to be found. The test went amazingly well! No complications with anesthesia! Oh my goodness somanythings to be thankful for!
On the other hand I have so many questions still without answers and I just hate limbo! This diagnosis has made me doubt myself so much as a mother - how many signs have I missed because I stopped looking for milestones??, etc.. And I just was going into today needing a PLAN. Not a wait-til-August-and-repeat-this-day-plan. But a solid its-here-or-its-not-and-we'll-do-this-tomorrow-or-not-at-all plan. On paper. That I could put on my fridge. Bleh. Now what? Shall I carry a tape measure in my pocket to check my sweet baby's head every day just in case? Check her pulse through her soft spot to make sure the pressure hasn't gotten more intense on her fragile brain? silly, I know… but spewing…. plus the air conditioner wasn't working in the van, so I'll just throw that in there too ;)
All of this to say, the good definitely outweighed the bad - BY FAR - today. Oh man, did it ever. But in the end, we are still in a place of LIMBO. Please keep Miss beDelia in your prayers. Perhaps God will surprise everyone and her peers will catch up with her head size by the time she turns one.
"I see that the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and my tongue sings his praises! My body rests in hope." Acts 2:25-26

If this is what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain..

I sing those words. I cry through the song. I cry out that I will "praise you through the storm"… but will I? Do I? Oh, Lord knows there is a storm rocking my boat this very moment. Truth be told, I sat with Steve this afternoon and we both finally admitted our 'secret' frustrations that it seems as though the storms haven't stopped coming - we haven't seen peaceful waters in who knows how long (in our hurting hearts opinions).

Crazy hair Bedelia

On Tuesday, Steve and I took Delia to Fargo so her and I could both see the doctor - me to see if we could get a decent idea as to what was wrong with my knee, and Delia because her pediatrician wanted to have an ultrasound of her head because it continues to measure SO far off the chart. We went into this thinking my appointment was going to be the kicker, considering that the doc from the ER had told me his best guess was that I had sprained my knee and tore my ACL on Friday. SO, when the orthopedic doc told me he thought that I had popped my knee cap (he had a fancy term for it) after a very thorough exam which had me drumming the exam table and doing the labor breathing I had never used!!!,  things weren't all that bad. A little confusing - it didn't seem like that should be so painful, but whatever. I got a new brace, Delia went for her ultrasound and we headed for home. I didn't praise immediately, even then. I should have - I may not need surgery after all - but I still don't have a definite answer to this issue and that stinks. The praise came, but should have come sooner….
When her pediatrician called me personally the next day to tell me that she and the radiologist had reviewed the ultrasound and had determined that Delia in fact had mild hydrocephalus and that she would need a fairly urgent MRI and appointment with a neurosurgeon?!?! panic set in. Did I praise? Absolutely not. I wept. And then I swept it under the rug as my son walked in from his day at VBS. And I put a smile on my face and wiped my tears and couldn't crack though my husband could read my eyes, so I avoided eye contact until I made up an excuse to send Josiah up to brush his teeth in the middle of the day. He's a smart kid, so this was difficult. And I wept some more. Did I praise then? Nope. Sorry, not then either if I'm being honest. And then he came charging down the stairs and out came the happy facade again. And then I sent out text messages. My dear friends know me well - I cannot call in states of emergency because I am a weepy mess when things get raw and I refuse to be a blubbery blub on the phone. So they have to love me even though I sent out this via text. (thank you)
Not long after they called to say they fit her in for an MRI on June 30. My mind starts racing - is it so soon because of the urgency? Or they happened to have an opening? Ugh. I hate how the mind races. And they have us scheduled with the neurosurgeon that same afternoon. The MRI will be 2 hours long - she will be under full anesthesia for the procedure - which I understand, its far too long for her to hold still, but SO scary for me to have my babe go through that, even though we've been down that road with Eden before. Barring no complications she will be released later that same day, and then the neurosurgeon will look at the images and will be able to give us an idea of the plan of attack. BLEH. Doesn't that sound like barf? I didn't feel like praising after than phone call either.
I woke up this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks, a thought that hadn't dawned on me until now and I have no idea why: my oldest sister Laura was stillborn due to hydrocephalus. Of course that had been the thought on my whole family's mind yesterday upon my breaking the news, but for some reason I hadn't put two and two together. A whole new wave washed over me today.
I know that we were told this is "mild". I know that Laura likely did not have a mild case. However, as a mother, there is nothing mild about having something done to your child's brain. When the pediatrician tells you that the way to fix this is most likely putting a shunt in to drain the fluid - that is a procedure, an operation on her brain. That isn't a tea party. That isn't anything mild. Its petrifying.
Sometimes its ridiculously hard to want to praise when the storm is raging. Especially when the storms keep coming, and doubly especially (doubly especially?!? ha!) when the storms deal with your babes. How can one be expected to praise God when there is a storm raging with my child and all I want to do is hop over on my crutches and hold her instead? And yet? We are supposed to? And yet…. we need to.
"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"  (MercyMe - Bring the Rain)

Progress Report: Communication Meltdown/Weird Words

Eden was approved for weekly speech therapy through her early intervention program! This is such a huge and amazing thing because it should not have happened (long story which I won't post). At any rate, God allowed it, and it is so. She is meeting with an amazing speech therapist every Friday morning at our house and Eden just loves her. She helps me put the toys away when I tell her that "Miss 'J' is coming" because she knows that a new basket of toys is coming to be played with :) So fun to see.

At any rate, the story begins with these glasses. Steve got them as a gift for his 30th birthday, and they seem to have prompted Eden's first real word. Sure, there have been mutterings. Grunts. Sounds we couldn't begin to decipher or for the life of us understand. But on May 15th, 2011? Eden said "gasses". No joke. And she wanted "waffles" for breakfast. The girl with NO words chose THESE words. I would say I never would have imagined - but in all honesty, you can't put anything past this girl.

Miss J comes and sings crazy repetitive songs, over-emphasizes words/sounds/syllables, and grabs Eden's attention like nobody else has been able to do. And Eden soaks it right up. If you were a fly on the wall in my house (when I am alone, of course!) you would think I am a nut too. I go down the stairs with this girl and on every step you will hear me say "down, down, down!", over emphasizing every down in a very sing-song voice. Every single step folks. No joke. She will say "down" if I am lucky, so I keep trying. We make up songs for everything because Miss J found that Eden responds SO well to music. We say everything with sounds first- Ba-Ba-Ball? "Eden, do you want m-m-milk? I sound like I have lost my ma-ma-marbles ;)
We are still doing simple sign language along with things as well. Its hard to know sometimes what is helpful - some of the sounds she says with other words, she won't say for things she knows the sign to. She has said "mama" (only twice, mind you!), but has not once attempted to say the word "milk". She will still only sign puppy and has not attempted to say puppy or dog, etc..
Along with this sudden language breakthrough, she has decided to also show me that she knows how to say her letters. For quite some time now, she would point to letters when I would ask her "which one is …?" but I had no idea she had this in her too! I don't know how many she actually knows! I am excited to get out her letter cards over the weekend and sit down with her to see what she will show me in a one-on-one setting. She loves "her" letter of course, and she gravitates toward the letter "n" which is funny. But she has spoken at least 10 letters to me in the past two days! We haven't had her letter cards out since moving into this house two months ago, so her recent exposure is from the books we've read and the fridge magnets!
The past week has just been amazing. This is not to say that we haven't still had the fits and all of that - somedays are worse than before, some days are better. But in between the bouts of whining or shrieks, I am hearing her actual voice! I feel like I can actually start communicating with her! It is just such an incredible thing! When I catch her starting to get upset I can tell her to calm down and use words! It doesn't work most of the time but she seems to get it - and I have hope. And thats what I needed.

Filling My Freezer Round Two: Armed and Dangerous

Okay, let me just start by saying that I was so blown away with Round One that this turned into an obsession of epic proportions! Oh man. And then I will say this. I had a weekend set aside this time (YAY me!) but then I got invited to see Beth Moore with a free ticket (YAY friend!) that same weekend. SO, once again, I ended up starting my OAMC on a Sunday afternoon (like 6:30pm). Why not put it off another week, you ask? By the time the big surprise party for the hubby came around the weekend before, I had depleted my supply of breakfast and lunch items. That means a whole week had now gone by of impromptu grocery store runs right before bed, eggos, etc…. I was SO stressed out EVERY day because none of my meals were figured out and I felt awful going back to feeding the kiddos mystery meat every day - meaning Steve was running to the store again because we didn't want the same mystery meat each day.  I got back from this amazing, refreshing conference and wanted nothing but rest! But I knew that I would go to rock bottom the next morning if I didn't get it done. So there we were. My lovely cousin came to help with the big shop and cooked with us that night which was a ton of help too.
All of this to say - after going to bed at 1am the night before, I hadn't showered. There are no pictures of this amazing cooking event. There should be. It was a beautiful process and I should have taken pictures. The thing is - when you have three people cooking a hundred meals at once, the kitchen doesn't look picture worthy. I think the pictures would look like junk even though the food looks amazing! Just picture the food in your mind. Here is the breakdown!
I spent $320. I know. Quite a bit more than last time, but I think I have 2+ months of breakfasts in this, not just one. This also includes restocking my pantry with bags of flour, sugar (white and brown), etc. Oh - and this includes a pizza meal from the walmart deli for cooking night (two pizzas and breadsticks!), all of our fresh fruits, etc.. The only thing not included is one pound of flank steak which I have to pick up from the butcher because none of the grocery stores have it and this amazing looking recipe calls for it and I now have all other ingredients for it. Oh - and this dollar amount includes ingredients for a huge amount of mixes - I am taking up making my own mixes for pancakes, waffles, muffins - preparing the dry ingredients ahead of time and freezing because they have whole wheat flour, then adding wet stuff when you go to make it. Here is what else we made for the money:
1. Individual Mac-n-Cheese (a big hit from last time - double batch again!)
2. Homemade Pizza Dough (onceamonthmom.com): New this time. Excited to try this one! She has ideas for grilling pizzas on her site, which I've never tried before, and I am all about trying new foods all of a sudden ;)
3. Burritos (onceamonthmom.com) with cilantro lime rice (twopeasandtheirpod.com): New this time. The burritos made 14 instead of 8 and still look huge, so that was awesome. And they smell delicious when you cook the filling, so you know they are going to taste yummy. You make the rice fresh on the night you serve the burritos, so this weekend when we pull out the burritos we will test that recipe - excited to try it!
4. Poptarts (onceamonthmom.com) - big hit last time, double batch again. This time used all natural filling, no added sugar, etc. Feeling much better about that ;)
5. Tacos in a sleeping bag (onceamonthmom.com) - YUM! These are incredibly easy and honestly, the grown-ups that tried them (dipped in salsa and/or sour cream) liked them just as much as the kids. Double batch!
6. Pizza Croissants (onceamonthmom.com - again, big hit, double batch again! Used chunk pepperoni this time to trick Eden into thinking it was hotdogs instead of mini pepperonis and it worked!
7. Banana Sour Cream Bread (GoodCheapEats.com/allrecipes.com) added chocolate chips! This made four loaves and WOW, this is the best banana bread I have ever had. Coming from a girl that doesn't eat bananas, won't touch bananas to make the bread (Steve did it!), it is incredible. This is a snack item in our freezer. Definitely a keeper!
8. Sour Cream Noodle Bake (pioneerwoman.com) - Repeat! SOO yummy, adding more green onion and tons of garlic! 2 8x8 pans!
9. Meatballs/Meatloaves (goodcheapeats.com) - repeat, so good and so versatile! We make this into 2 meatloaf meals (1lb each) and the rest into meatballs (bagged by meal size). I pull out a bag of meatballs and put it in whatever sauce to heat them up. So easy and the sauce soaks that flavor into them too.
10. Roasted Vegetable Pasta (onceamonthmom.com) - OMG!!!! if you try anything, try this one!!! We had this last night and it is quite possibly my new favorite pasta! Incredible flavor, and the veggies are amazing, even after being frozen! Peppers, asparagus, tomatoes and mushrooms all fire roasted and garlicky! YUM. Check it out! Oh - this made 3 giant freezer bags full, and each is one meal's worth.
11. Frozen Fruit cups (onceamonthmom.com) - basically its like little yummy cups of fruit frozen in fruit juice. This recipe wouldn't work as a popsicle -its too slushy - but its YUMMY. Its a great summer snack or even a breakfast on a hot lazy day on the deck! The kids gobbled them up. It made 24.
12. Upside down baked oatmeal (thepieholeblog.blogspot.com) OMG. These bars are SO good. And if you skip the chocolate chips, they are actually really good for you. The website lists weight watchers points. I don't care for baked fruit, so I put in a sprinkling of mini chocolate chips. I added maple flavoring and vanilla and they are incredible. I made a double batch and I am going to make another double batch to have more in the freezer. I could easily do that with the groceries I still have. This made 24 breakfast bars.
13. Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins (goodcheapeats.com) - new this time! I love baking (can you tell?) I wanted to have more snacks on hand, especially with Josiah out of school, but with Delia eating solids too now, I want to have things in the house that are made - not the cheez-its ;) So I'm loving these, which I made into mini-muffins, more portion appropriate for my kids. I also used half apple sauce instead of all of the oil and half brown/half white for the sugar. They are amazing. Josiah requested these instead of his packaged snack for school his last week! We got about 150 mini muffins from one batch!
14. Breakfast Cookies (onceamonthmom.com) - repeat, doubled the double batch! Kids love them, and I love them too. Two of these make the perfect breakfast for me. Sometimes Eden eats four, but thats on a really crazy day ;)
15. Corn dog muffins (onceamonthmom.com) repeat, doubled the recipe. We all enjoyed these (yep, I love corn dogs!). I cut the hotdogs pretty small for the girls, I add a tiny bit of brown sugar and extra milk to the recipe… so yummy.
16. Pizza Casserole (onceamonthmom.com) new! I added garlic, some onion salt and extra oregano to this. We used Wacky Mac - not only is it fun for the kids, but its veggies! ;) We are having this tomorrow and I am excited - I know they are going to love this one!
17. Apple Chicken Nuggets (onceamonthmom.com) new! I know, it sounds odd, gross even. These are seriously good. I mean SERIOUSLY good. The only one that didn't eat them was Eden and she is currently not eating much of anything, so I'm not giving that much weight at all. Steve and I and Delia loved them. Josiah said they were "pretty okay". He thought they should come from a bag ;) But he ate them right up! The flavor was so great. This made like 30 or 40 nuggets.
18. Whole wheat Freezer waffles (goodcheapeats.com) new! goodbye eggos! We made up a bunch of these and put them in freezer bags separated by wax paper. Then you can heat them in the toaster oven or toaster (or microwave for Delia).. Pretty good stuff!
19. Mexican Verde Casserole - (onceamonthmom.com) repeat! 2 8x8 pans, and again, this was delicious. Definitely would recommend this, or have you over for dinner to eat it :)
20. Make ahead garlic bread (goodcheapeats.com) This has become a staple in our house since we are all garlic bread junkies. Probably not a good thing! But its the most amazing garlic bread! (with a bunch of extra garlic of course!). We made 4 of these!
21. Mix and Match Muffins (goodcheapeats.com) this is a mix to freeze, though I also bought two containers of blueberries so hopefully I will get one container before the kids eat them all and make some muffins to freeze for breakfasts or snacks.
22. Multigrain pancakes (goodcheapeats.com) another mix, ready to go! Have buttermilk waiting for fresh pancakes this weekend!
23. Dump chicken #1: Paula Dean's Vidalia Onion Honey Mustard salad dressing - half a bottle dumped onto a package of raw natural chicken tenders. Marinate in the fridge overnight then freeze. Took this out and grilled it tonight. AMAZING. Use the rest of the dressing to dip if you wish, but we didn't need to. SO tender and full of flavor.
24. Dump chicken #2: Same as above except I think it was caesar?
25. Dump idea but with pork chops and dressing is Italian. Oh - and all of these have garlic added :)
26. Italian Flank Steak Pinwheels (onceamonthmom.com) - cannot wait for these this weekend! This can be fresh or frozen. Ours might be half and half.
27. French toast sticks (onceamonthmom.com) repeat. 5x the recipe - Those texas toast loaves are so large! I use two loaves and it is so much bread when you cut it up! I got a bazillion sticks.


Phew. Its so funny because You get all of this stuff done (by Tuesday night since I did it in bits and pieces here and there) and then when you dip into it for the first time it hurts just a little! But it is just such an amazing feeling to know that I will not have to worry about meals for a LONG time. My big eaters right now are Josiah and Delia, so snacks will be different especially with Josiah home from school. I am hoping that the muffins, fruit cups and that kind of thing will do the trick. I have found some great sneaky chef type recipes to use for popsicles that I will try when my snack supply gets depleted but it should last well into summer!
 I was bummed that I didn't have more time to do couponing this time. With the party planning I was so preoccupied. Next time! But I saved $18, so I will just be happy with that. When I look at all that is in my freezer, and the fact that other than milk/juice, and fruit we really won't need groceries until who knows when, I am really impressed. A lot of these I could make more of with what is left in my pantry (staples that are still stocked). And I can't wait to go down the salad dressing aisle to try more flavors for chicken/pork! It is so fun to be expanding my search  - trying new recipes, testing out the concept of making my own mixes for things, not buying them, etc. I prefer to make things from scratch, just because I like to, not because I'm a cooking snob!! - but with the loudest little one who wakes up very hungry, we need to be able to eat breakfast FAST - so scratch breakfast items don't work. And when Josiah asks to bake something, sometimes there is only time for a mix, so this would be perfect and way cheaper!

DO try the roasted veggie pasta!! And the Paula Dean dressing as a marinade! And the oatmeal bars with chocolate chips! And the pumpkin muffins! there are just too many good ones…

Party Food Means We Need More Reasons To Party

Last night I threw Steve a surprise party in honor of his big 3-0 milestone and I must say I was thrilled to have an excuse to make good party food! For some reason, there are foods that only come out at party time - its just not fair! These foods should have more time to shine, right? ;) At any rate, several people requested recipes for the various delectables so I thought it might be easiest to compile them in one place rather than creating several facebook notes. A couple of these are recipes others have passed on to me and some I have adapted for the sake of my need to make things easier/spicier/etc… Enjoy!

BLT Stuffed Tomatoes 
What a better way to enjoy a tomato than stuffed with bacon?! And wow, this would make a great spread on a pita with a big slice of tomato too! YUM!! You will totally eat a few while making these, so make extra.

50 Cherry or Grape Tomatoes
2lbs bacon, Chopped and cooked (or crumbled - its your preference, I leave mine in small chunks)
1/2+c chopped green onion (I lean toward a whole cup, use less for less kick)
1/2c MAYO (You may need to add more than 1/2c if you add the extra onions if your mix gets too thick, just add another heaping spoon or 1/4c, no need to be exact!)

Halve all of the tomatoes and scoop out the insides - set aside. In a medium bowl, mix the bacon, mayo and onions. Spoon the mixture into the tomatoes and refrigerate until ready to serve.

*NOTES* When picking the tomatoes in the store, pay attention to how skinny they are. Fat ones are way easier to stuff. Also, this recipe just doesn't taste the same with Miracle Whip. This is one time I actually break down and buy mayo, trust me on this!

Cheese Tortellini and Pesto Dip - Courtesy of Kelly Hyer ;)
Pretty sure I called/emailed my dear friend Kelly half a dozen times for this recipe before I finally remembered to write it down. Its so simple but SO good. Thank you for sharing!


1 large container of refrigerated tortellini (like Bertolli)
1 large container whipped cream cheese
1 container pesto sauce (from that refrigerated pasta section in your grocery store)
Juice from 1/2 lemon

Boil noodles according to directions, rinse and drain well and let them cool. Be sure to separate the noodles - I spread them out on a paper towel or wax paper lined sheet pan (so I don't dirty the pan!) then put them in the fridge in a ziploc or lovely container. In the midst of all of this, mix the cream cheese with the pesto and then start adding the lemon juice. Add a little, mix and taste. Add more if you wish - some like more/less lemon, so its your call on that (see how we give you options here?!) Thats how we roll.

Bruschetta
So fresh and so garlicky - fabulous on toasted baguette slices, pita chips, regular chips, pretty much anything. I LOVE bruschetta. The best part about this is that the garlic gets stronger as it sits and gets to work out its awesomeness. So it just keeps getting better and better (if it lasts that long).

3 Roma tomatoes, deseeded and diced (super important to get the soupy guts out)
2T Fresh Basil
1T Fresh Parsley
4 cloves GARLIC
1t Olive Oil
Parmesan Cheese (optional, I add enough to make it look like an equal ingredient)

*Notes* The rough thing about this recipe is that these ingredients are all "to taste". I always add way more than the recipe calls for, and WAY more garlic! Also, after the munching on this last night I realized that it needed more olive oil - when you start with a giant bag of tomatoes and there isn't just a "3 cups of diced tomatoes" type of recipe, its a learning thing I suppose. But you'll notice this tastes a bit dry - just add a little more EVOO.

Fresh Squeezed Lemonade With Strawberry Lime Ice Cubes
I'm pretty sure we've always tripled this recipe - if you are going to go through the effort to make real lemonade, you may as well go all out. This is our favorite summer drink - definitely not just a party treat at our house!


2qts Water
1 1/3c sugar (more/less to taste)
1 1/3c fresh lemon juice (yep, squeeze it!)
1 container strawberries, chopped/diced
1 11.5oz can strawberry margarita or plain margarita frozen concentrate mix

Put the chopped strawberries into ice cube trays filling 1/3 to 1/2 full. Mix the concentrate and 1 can of water in a pitcher and pour to fill the ice cube trays - freeze. Combine the 2qts of water and sugar in a saucepan and bring to a boil, stirring to combine. Reduce to a simmer and stir until sugar is dissolved - takes just a minute or two. Take off the heat and let it cool a little before you put it in a pitcher to chill it. Makes 8 cups.



Knock You Naked Brownies - Adapted from Pioneer Woman
These brownies were amazing - and the name was a riot and provided great conversation starters and jokes all evening long. I adapted the recipe slightly to make it easier as I am not a double broiler kind of girl, nor am I about to sit and unwrap 120 caramels. If you are up for that type of thing, check out her version on her website.


2 pkg German Chocolate Cake Mix (I know, I know, just buy this flavor. Its lonely anyway)
1c margarine, melted (she uses butter, you can too if you so fancy)
1 12oz can evaporated milk
3 bags Kraft Caramel Bits
1 bag semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 c finely chopped pecans (I left these out as we are no-nuts-in-brownie people)

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees In medium bowl, mix cake mixes, melted margarine and 2/3c of the evaporated milk.  Add the nuts if you are nutty. The mixture is going to be super thick - no worries! Divide it in half - spread one half in the bottom of a well greased13x9 baking dish. Bake for 8-10 minutes. In medium saucepan, melt caramels and the remainder of the can of milk (just over 2/3 cup if you feel the need to measure) on medium low heat for about 3-4 minutes. After a minute or two, get a quick whisk in to break up the remaining clumps. Pour the caramel over the first layer of brownie that you just pulled out (I saved out about 1/2 -2/3c because it looked full). Then dump the bag of chocolate chips on top. Then, you take the remaining dough and it needs to go on top. My first attempt on Friday was not quite as pretty as I would have liked - however, since I got a second attempt today for Steve's birthday Round Two, I tried a new trick, so this is what I would recommend: WAX PAPER! I baked this in my pyrex pan and in the first go, I just formed the dough in the lid and tried to flip it over on top. Not so hot. This time I lined the lid with wax paper and it came off perfectly, impressing even me ;)  After you have the top layer on, this pan of delicious goo goes into the oven for 20-25 minutes. When it comes out, let it cool and THEN, you have to let it sit in the fridge for several hours so the caramel can gel the two layers together so it doesn't all fall apart when you cut into them, etc. After you've let them sit for several hours - like 3 or 4, seriously - take them out and dust the whole thing with a good coating of powdered sugar. I was going to drizzle the remaining caramel on top but I totally forgot! Then cut into them and scoop them out onto the platter or into a tin to give them away. You do not want these sitting in your house ;)

DQ Cake and Knock You Naked Brownies ;)

*NOTE* Make this in an 8x8 with one pkg cake mix, 1/2c margarine and 1/3c evap milk. Then for the caramel sauce I would use 1 bag of the chips, 1/3 cup milk and only use half bag of chocolate chips for that goo layer...

You say Yes, I say No, You say Stop, I say Go: Communication Breakdown

Lately, things have been a little [understatement] frustrating with my dear and darling [monster child], high spirited child, Eden. Considering her rocky start, we knew that we might encounter some road bumps in her development, but hadn't really dealt with any. Sure, she didn't walk on her first birthday, but she was still walking by the time she was corrected to 12 months (way ahead of her older brother's timeline, I might add!). And sure, she hated textured foods in her mouth at first, but we gave her a brownie and some ice cream, and she's loved food ever since. She might need glasses once she turns three, but they make cute glasses, and she is loving the sunglasses we are buying her to practice with now, so in the big scheme of things this is really no big deal.

What is starting to be a big deal, however? Eden is not talking. Pretty much not communicating AT ALL. She is 20 months old now, and while they still would adjust her age a little bit, I think they would only adjust it to like 18 months or so? Not quite the full 4 months as they would before.. So still. She should be saying words. By this age Josiah was saying sentences. Comparisons aside, Eden herself is going backwards. a couple months back she was signing more words than she is now. She would tell me what she wanted when she wanted something - signing "please eat" when she was hungry, or "please milk" when she was thirsty... now she signs "please" nearly all day long and if you cannot immediately figure out what it is that she wants, she launches into tantrums. I'm not talking mild crying. I'm talking lying prone on the floor screaming, following you from room to room and then returning to her position on the floor if again you don't figure it out when she signs the word "please". At the very least she used to point. Not any more. Its freaking me out. 

And you can tell that Eden is getting more frustrated to. You can tell that Eden knows exactly what it is she is trying to communicate and she is upset that she can't. She is so smart and yet these words are just trapped somehow it seems. I'd like to throw my own tantrum about it, just a little...

We meet with the early intervention teacher through the school district but not specifically with a speech therapist, which is what I think Eden needs. Yet, for whatever reason, its so hard for me as a parent to have that voice. Or maybe I just need to be putting my foot down about it. The problem is its a tiny team and you have to work with all of them, so I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings in doing so - which is totally unavoidable. But this communication thing is beyond frustrating for me - and clearly for Eden. 

And honestly, its raising the level of frustration in the house. When I have to listen to and struggle with a screaming toddler all day long and try to play mind reader, I will be the first to admit it makes me snap quicker at Josiah. Thats not fair at all, not one bit. Its not his fault she is struggling. Its not his fault I am struggling. But I can't figure her out. 

And her is what really gets me. She will repeat animal sounds - but only a couple. She will quack like a duck, but no longer will she sign duck. She will no longer sign pig, or say oink. She will sign chicken. She will say moo. She will sign puppy but will not repeat the barking noise or the word puppy/dog. She will say "baaa" but will not sign/say sheep. She will still not repeat any sounds after me or steve. She will, however, say "choo choo" when she hears a train go by or when she is playing trains with Josiah. She will say "voom" when she hears a loud car or when she is playing cars with Josiah. ONE time, Josiah got her to repeat "mamama" but it was not intentional as my name (ie she had no idea/did not direct it at me, etc).. It was SO exciting that she was talking!! I was thrilled!!! But these words are NOT communicative words! They do not help me know what she wants or what she needs or how to make her stop screaming!

One of the speech therapists had said that once kids reach the age of two, they start to worry if there aren't sentences forming, etc.... we are only 4 months away from that... and people keep telling me "but she is a preemie" - but at the age of 2 they don't adjust for that any more, she is just 2... and either way, somehow, I need to be able to communicate with her. Clearly, she understands things. She can follow instructions, she knows her shapes, she can point to "her letter" on a shirt or the magnet on the fridge, etc. She is such a smart kid. But somehow, those words need to come out. Help!!

Once a Month Cooking As Defined by Me

I have been dreaming about doing this for a few years now. Several years back, a friend and I would visit a store in Rochester (www.dishituprochester.com) where you can select recipes from their monthly menu, prepare the meals from their stocked/prepped stations with their dishes, load up all of these wonderfully yummy packaged meals into your laundry basket, wash your hands, leave the mess for them and go home and load them into your freezer. We'd have meals for a month - and NO stress! It was such a freeing thing to come home from work knowing that we didn't have to deal with the question of what to do about dinner because something was waiting to be popped in the oven or taken out of the crockpot, etc.
I started researching cookbooks on the topic, thinking I could just do this myself at home. The problem I ran into is that the books I found were filled with recipes I knew my family would never eat. Never did it dawn on me that  you didn't necessarily need special recipes just because you were freezing something. There might just be a few certain things you shouldn't freeze.. Fast forward to now.. I have less free time, and yet somehow more mind wandering time if that makes sense? Tami is in dire need of a project! I am going out of my mind not having a massive undertaking (not that raising these three tykes isn't massive, I can attest to that!!)... But I need something to research, plan, make lists, etc.. So I add on a few side jobs if you will, and this happens to be one of them. I started checking out a few different blogs of other moms that do once a month cooking (OAMC). It took quite a while to stumble upon good ones, but once I did, it was a gold mine of good information and so far, great recipes. Even better, because they are also moms of young kids, they also share recipes that are kid-friendly, which is very helpful.
So whats the plan? Well, if you are organized, like I intended to be, you set out all of your information first. Gather the recipes, create the master shopping list based off of that, and get the shopping trip out of the way prior to cooking day. Some people shop well in advance, depending on pay periods, etc. Some do it the night before, if you have a certain weekend set aside for cooking perhaps. For me, things got crazy. This was the weekend when I had said it had to happen and it was Sunday AFTER church and it still hadn't happened, so Steve was getting groceries at like 4pm. But whatever works ;) They also say to start small - like with 6 meals or so. We went a bit beyond that - but the beauty is that you can multiply things easily, especially by taking things that are meant for 13x9 pans and putting them in 8x8s if that is better suited for your family (like it is for mine right now)... which is not only more economical, but also means more variety. By the time you eat the same leftovers for the third night in a row, everyone is bored of it!
They say to plan the cooking day to be like an 8 hour marathon - to wear good shoes and have something planned for the kids. I forgot to wear shoes, and I regretted that later. Do make arrangements for the kids though - you'll get things done faster and they will have way more fun! We only spent about 5 hours cooking - and that included Steve making a few extra trips to the store because he forgot a few things on the list ;)
Okay - so here is what we made (enough rambling Tami, get to the good stuff!!):
1. Sour Cream Noodle Bake (recipe here: Pioneer Woman). This recipe is Fabulous! My additions: GARLIC! I LOVE garlic, so I add heaps of minced garlic to just about anything. I added extra chopped green onion too, but otherwise, it was her recipe. OH - and as with anything that goes into a 9x13, I put this into 2 8x8 pans. It heated nicely - as with anything from the freezer, allow extra cooking time. I put a sticky label on my containers and put how much time I thought things would take (the first time through is going to be all guess work - I left a blank spot on my actual recipes to write the truth!)... This one took about 40 minutes I think.. YUM. And pretty kid friendly ;)

Add caption

2. Mexican Verde Casserole (Once a Month Mom). And YUM again. This one kind of had me nervous. When you put it together it looks blah and green and blah. But wow its yummy! I cheated on this one - the recipe involves her making her own salsa verde - I bought some. She also cooked chicken breasts and then cubed them. The price was actually more expensive for raw chicken the day I was at the store, so I bought the frozen cooked/cubed stuff. Hey - it was going to be cubed and frozen anyway! Skip a step! You will be so pleasantly surprised with it though. Try it. And again - two 8x8 pans.
3. Grown up Mac-n-Cheese (SweetAnnas). This is Annalise's Spicy Baked Mac-n-Cheese which Josiah has now labeled Grown up Mac - he claims it isn't for kids, but other kids have tried it and liked it, so have yours give it a try ;) The only change I made to this recipe to make it a complete meal in a dish is to again add another bag of that wonderful frozen cubed grilled chicken breast to it before scooping all of this cheesy goodness into the 8x8 pans to cool before freezing. This recipe quickly became a favorite in our house. LOVE.
4. Four pounds of ground chuck became this: Meatballs and Meatloaves. I mixed it all up with the same recipe (adding a ton of garlic!). Then one pound became Greek Meatloaf - add greek seasoning, half a jar of salsa, and a small container of feta cheese. Save the other half of the salsa for when you are ready to bake. Easy! Another pound was left as regular meatloaf which will be an E-Mealz recipe getting a sauce when we bake it - its brown sugar, vinegar and mustard.. These were both made into small loaves - two per 8x8 pan - you pull them out of the freezer the night before you want to make them, then bake for about 40 minutes. The remaining 2 pounds were rolled into meatballs and baked. We cooled them and divided them into meal sized portions and bagged them. We will then use them for spaghetti, meatballs and gravy, etc. Easy!
5. WAY Easy!! Ranch Chicken Strips: Raw chicken tenders (don't use chicken breasts, they are not nearly as yummy!) dredged in buttermilk ranch and then firmly pressed in crushed sour cream and onion potato chips. (Do NOT use the baked kind! Sounds healthy, but we've tried it, and they don't work, not sure why)... Its super easy, and while it might not be fat free, they are not nearly as processed as those fake nuggets the kids might get from the freezer section, so they love 'em and I feel slightly better serving them ;) You can layer these in a freezer container with wax paper - then just pull out however many you need, bake at 400 degrees for about 6-7 minutes on each side. YUM.

Doesn't sit still, but loves lunch ;)

cheap vacuum seal!

6. Homemade Easy Mac: (Once A Month Mom) This one made me nervous because every attempt I had made at homemade mac had been disastrous (prior to Sweet Anna's above).. But I dug in because I hate how much Josiah begs for me to buy Easy Mac - even though I have only bought it for him ONCE and also because I hate the fact that every time I make macaroni and cheese, I put the powder in and hate thinking about whats in the powder. So lets just learn how already Tami! It was super easy, even though I didn't have the patience to wait for it to thicken, I did. And these are incredibly yummy, though I'm not big on plain mac-n-cheese. Tip - use a light colored muffin pan. For some reason, the one pan I had that was dark got too hot and the liners got way soggy. The solution in my head would be to use those ultra strong tinfoil liners, but then you couldn't microwave the cups after freezing them... maybe double line the pans if you've only got dark pans? Also, I put a couple drops of milk on the cups before I heat them up just to make sure they stay extra creamy. The kids scarfed these down though!

finishing dessert!

8. Poptarts: (Once A Month Mom) This scared me, but these were so easy I almost hate to include it here! You could make your own pie crust and your own filling and then you'd have a hard recipe I suppose ;) But buy refrigerated pie crust, cut it in squares, put in some preserves (use healthy stuff -ha!), seal, bake, cool, flash freeze and bag! I skipped the icing and they loved them anyway :)
9. French Toast Sticks: (Once A Month Mom) I almost went with her sneaky chef toddler version, but thought I should try the standard fare first ;) These are yummy. I used a huge loaf of texas toast so that they would be sturdy - which also meant i tripled her recipe off the bat, but thats okay, considering how quickly my kiddos will eat them!
10. Garlic Bread: (Life As Mom) There really isn't much to say about this. Instead of paying $3 per loaf to have a few on hand, I can pay $2 to make 3 loaves to have on hand in my freezer. Its a pretty good deal. And it tastes better because I can load it up with more garlic. mmmm Garlic.....

The Third Time's the Charm

Ahh, this one... our surprise. After nearly a solid two months of feeling like junk, and my doctor scratching his head when his tests came back normal, I finally took a pregnancy test because I had one left over for whatever reason. Knowing that we "didn't get pregnant without intervention" and "had no medical need for birth control" we hadn't rushed to get back on the pill after the girls were born. We were waiting to see how the endometriosis would play out to see if I would end up going back on it or not since we weren't using it for actual birth control in the first place. Let me just say this: I had been pumping for several months and had one very sketchy i-wouldn't-even-call-it-a-period period since giving birth. And the test came back positive. Steve was outside and I pounded on the window and slammed the test up to the window and made him come over to see it. Well crap. How in the world does that even happen? (yes, folks, I get the birds and the bees. My birds and bees aren't supposed to work that way!)
It gets better. I called my OB the next day to let him know I had taken the test. The nurse said not to worry, that there was no way I could be more than 5 or 6 weeks since I just thought to take a test. I said, well, I haven't had a period in months having just had a baby, etc. She went to speak with my doctor and called me back and they got me in the next day instead of at the end of the month. Well duh. We went in to this appointment and I was expecting to see the little peanut on the screen, but I suppose I knew better. There she was, fully formed - 12.5wks already. OOPS! I had just missed my entire first trimester. A bit further and I could have been on the "I didn't know I was pregnant" show. Just a week later and they could tell us that we were having another girl! We were just in panic mode the entire time. A state of constant shock. At this point we were still taking Eden to frequent doctor visits herself and I was barely back to work. Pretty funny stuff God! ;) (side note - the actual due dates were 10 months apart!)
This pregnancy was pretty smooth though. We were monitored like a freak show again, of course, so we got all kinds of pictures and of course I got shots every week in the bum to prevent preterm labor. Because of the classical/transverse cut (the up and down cut) on the uterus prior, they would not let me go past 36 weeks in this pregnancy, so we had a c-section scheduled for 36 weeks. I actually ended up in the hospital at 34w4d with contractions and when they didn't slow down and nothing changed by the time we got to 35weeks, they decided she was ready to come. They couldn't send me home in that condition, and she was eager to come out it appeared. They also couldn't keep NOT feeding me "just in case!". BOO! so lets just do this already!
Prior to this, My OB had arranged a consultation between me and the anesthesiologist who would be working with the team during the procedure (since it was scheduled, he knew who was on call). I walked him through the horror story of Josiah's birth and the repeated pokes by the student, and then having to be put under with the twins, and I said I needed some options so this would not happen again. We talked through a whole list of things that he could do so that being put under would only happen if there was an emergency - but there were so many other things to try first, I knew that wouldn't happen. And he assured me there would be no students allowed. Its a teaching hospital, but you can request that there not be a student, and I didn't know that the first time around. I felt SO much better! And he did a total exam of my spine and made all kinds of notes so he knew going into it what he would need to be looking for too. Peace!! Even better - he happened to be on even though we went a week earlier than planned :)
So the whole team came into our room to talk with us before the operation. It was a Saturday night - very slow on the floor. This is a group of people that I have known for a few years - isn't that weird? I could name them for you, but it wouldn't mean anything to you, I suppose. They know me on a first name basis - they were students when I started, now they have moved on to being fellows or chief residents or whatever, and then the actual staff physicians, they all know me personally. I love that feeling! And here we were all just chatting and laughing so comfortably around the hospital bed talking about the procedure before they prepped me and took me down. One last time making sure I knew what was going to happen. Tubes being tied? Check! Spinal? Check! Give me the warm blankets and I'm set! What an amazing difference from the previous experiences I'd had.
The OR was the same atmosphere. The spinal went in on the FIRST TRY. I don't remember any pain at all. I'm sure it hurt, but I blocked it out or something. It took instantly! Praise God for that. They laid me down and the laughs began. Seriously, this was just the best time you could imagine being had in an OR. Probably people have had better, but it was great. Maybe that was after the baby was out and the important stuff was over, probably, now that I think about it..

Delia Grace 8.28.2010 

Steve checking the measurements

We decided on her name just shortly before being wheeled down. We tossed around so many names and finally this came out of left field - Delia Grace. But by the Grace of God! She came into this world 5 weeks early weighing in at a hefty 6 pounds, 11 ounces!!! 19 inches long... and the best part?? Breathing all on her own! I keep telling my doctor he may have been off on those dates, but he is certain he wasn't - she is just that big. (And I suppose if you look at her now, he's probably right). She was chubby and beautifully red when I kissed her. Steve immediately left my side and went to love on her and snap pictures and I got the amazing nurses to cover me with the warm blankets and make me laugh while the tubes were tied. I think she asked me at least 5 times before she went and actually tied them. It was just a bunch of girls left in the OR and it was maybe the drugs or maybe it was just being giddy about never being pregnant again? but I remember it being fun... strange.
The best part about that night was that because because she was doing so well, they let me snuggle with her in the recovery room for over an hour before she had to go up to the level 2 nursery for the night. She had these amazing cheeks, even then, you just wanted to squeeze them.  She was trying so hard to open her eyes and stare but she was so sleepy - you could see her fighting it.  And such a relief after my most recent experience - having the spinal this time - I had pain meds flowing through me and I could just enjoy her! LOVED this time with her!

Snuggling with my fresh babe

From there, she spent 10 days in the nursery because she was a pretty lazy eater.... it was rather frustrating just because she was a full sized baby and it was so hard to fathom why on earth she wasn't walking out the door with us! But she eventually got her act together and clearly got the eating thing figured out ;)
The moral of the story? You live and learn I suppose. But perhaps even more so, you really must learn that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. There are so many things that we don't end up having control over - the way our kids come into this world might end up being one of them, and HA - our child spacing just might end up being another! For my second delivery, I didn't have the opportunity to have input or make any choices - it was an emergency situation and those choices get made for you by people that you just have to trust at the time. I'm glad that I didn't fight that, as stubborn as I am. But for my third delivery - I'm glad that I did ask questions and get certain things done differently. It was a much more peaceful experience than the first go-round, and I wish I would have known what questions to ask going in to the first one.

PS - I feel a bit guilty that Delia doesn't have a lengthy story.... but I suppose its a good thing that hers isn't as drama-filled as the previous one was, right? This one was really smooth sailing. We literally got through the pregnancy in shell shock and then the delivery was a dream. She has, however, made sure that she has a voice amidst the chaos of our family ;)

Birth Story Number Two: We'll call this one the whirlwind..

As Josiah was approaching two, we started to get questions as to when a sibling would be along. The truth was we didn't know if/when we'd be able to have another child, so after having Josiah, the doctors at Mayo started actually trying to figure everything out, though they are still scratching their heads to this day. After another year, we decided we would go ahead and use the help of fertility meds - simply because I've never had regular cycles with the weird female parts I was born with, and this should regulate things, etc. Well, no luck there. We then decided that we wanted to try an IUI because we knew that with my anatomy issues, the actual meeting up part was next to impossible (like I said in the previous post, Josiah was a BIG shock!). The first round was unsuccessful. They increased the dose of the medicine to try it again - on an ultrasound after this, they saw too many eggs reaching the right stage, so they said it was too risky and didn't proceed with a second IUI.... Well, on April Fool's Day 2009, we took a pregnancy test and what do you know? No IUI needed that time ;) We took a picture that day with a pair of pregnancy tests side by side just in case... and sure enough, two weeks later at our first ultrasound, there were two sacs clear as day.
This pregnancy was a journey from the beginning. Being a high risk preggo anyway, carrying one baby in each half-sized uterus knocked me into a crazy record book. Believe me, I looked it up many times. So did those fun doctors of mine ;) But through every scare of mine - they were all scares of mine. Those babies were totally healthy and growing just fine the entire time. I got to see them wiggle almost every week! I heard their heart beats every Friday! True, I also had to get a shot in the bum every Friday, but the heart beat made up for it ;) We found out at about 14 weeks that they were both girls and we were thrilled. We were hoping that at least one would be a girl, figuring that bringing our family to three all of a sudden, we would surely be done, especially with how difficult the getting pregnant process is on us. We spent the hot summer in the pool with my big ol belly and a few trips to the hospital, but again, the babies were always fine.
And then the birth story begins! (this is going to be long, first because the process started like 12 days before the actual birth and because I am being detailed for my own benefit - so brace yourself!) The last weekend in July, we made one last trip 'home' to the lake. I was 22.4weeks pregnant and we knew we wouldn't travel after that. That Saturday, 8/1, I started to bleed again - which had happened often during this pregnancy. Steve and I eventually decided that this was bad enough we would leave Josiah there and head toward Rochester just to get closer to our doctors. By the time we made the 10 minute drive into town from the lake, there was no question we had to go to the local hospital. We called our doctor and they told us to go in right away. They hooked us up to the monitors and could only find one heartbeat. I was just in unbelief. I remember nurses saying not to worry about it because its often hard to find them at first, etc. But time and again, she couldn't find a second one. Another nurse tried. Then a doctor finally arrived. I'll save my exchange with him for a different story. Needless to say I was not willing to believe what gathered family was listening to these people say. I heard a solid heart beat and I knew that all I could do was maintain my composure and be calm as to not give this baby any added stress. At one point I was given an oxygen mask I think? I guess I was having a hard time slowing my breathing...
I told Steve we needed to get to Mayo, and the doctor here kept telling me he had to keep me here until the baby was viable because I wasn't stable. (I didn't realize at the time that viability varies not only between hospitals but even different doctors have differing ideas. This guy wanted to keep me here until I reached 25 weeks.) I begged Steve - just call Mayo. He walked back into the room only a minute later and said they are coming to get you. WOW. Can I just throw that out there? They are amazing. Okay, back to the story. So then everything went into a tizzy because they first were thinking we were going to be on the helicopter and this was making everyone panic. They were weighing steve to see if he could go with me. I was just in a daze listening to the beeps of the heart monitor. Then they sent the jet instead and all was well.
These lovely people showed up - Tracy and Steve I think? - and they took over everything. Packaged me up on a lovely cot, got me on an ambulance and brought me to the local airport. They got me settled in to the bed on this awesome little jet and then got Steve strapped in. They warned me that this would be a strange sensation - laying down, taking off on this tiny, super fast jet... This thing takes off way faster than the planes we are used to flying on, and laying down feels so funny! It was odd! But the flight  was a quick 30 minutes - and then we were loaded into the hospital and they were just monitoring my belly the whole way. Too bad we didn't get a picture on the plane! (ha!)
We got to the hospital and were brought to the labor and delivery floor at first. Multiple ultrasounds by doctors I trusted, and they confirmed that they could only find one heartbeat. As this began to set in, I was just so determined to not let it hit me. I had to protect my other child from feeling any stress - so I did whatever I could to avoid feeling the situation. I'm not sure if that was right or healthy or not, but in the moment, thats what I had to do. Also strange, this baby had moved into the living baby's uterus. This was freaking everyone out which was making me panic. The risk of infection went up by a whole lot with that happening and no one knew how it had happened (which I think was what was more fascinating to them?). Infection meant that our other baby could die or would need to be delivered, and she definitely needed more time to cook! They got the bleeding under control and overnight the baby that had passed somehow got back to her own apartment (Thank you God!). We were kept in the hospital for a few days, given two doses of a steroid to give super powers to the surviving baby and then sent home on light bed rest.
During the early morning hours of August 13th, I started to feel pain on my left side - which is where Eden was (we had finally named them at that point!).  At this point, we knew that the right uterus, where Hannah was, was already contracting, the placenta was delivering, etc., but nothing too aggressive. However, we had been told that if anything happened on the left we should check it out immediately. Well, off and on through the night I would notice this and sort of think maybe I should call? It was happening every couple of minutes but it was pretty minor pain. I had been told that labor was just beneath a kidney stone on the pain scale. Having had a kidney stone in the past, thats what I was waiting for - this was nothing! So I got up about 6 and told Steve. We called and decided to shower and go in to just have it checked in case. We got in at about 7:30 and it turns out that I was in labor and was dilated to almost 3! Oops! I was freaking out - I think I actually told one of them (they knew me by name) "you're joking, right?!)... They seriously left the room for two seconds and came back with scrubs on. This was no joke. I said WHOA! Wait a minute... So they found my doctor, and he said that based on the fact that my heart rate was elevated and Eden's heart rate was elevated, there was a risk that we were both showing early signs of infection - so they needed to deliver immediately. They had earlier said that if I went into labor they would deliver Hannah and then close things up and leave Eden in if possible. Guess not! Within an hour of arrival, we were in the OR. Steve and I were literally freaking out. This is not at all what we were expecting - and we knew that Eden was definitely not ready to be out in the world. And guess what? All of those checks and exams and contractions suddenly become a million times worse when you are in the midst of a panic attack (my version of one).
They tried their darndest to give me a regular c-section, spinal and all. The spinal would not take. I tried SOHARD to pretend like I could not feel the test scratching of the knife or whatever it is they scratch you with when they test it. In the end I figured pretending wasn't smart. They waited as long as they could but they finally had to make the call that for the best interest of Eden and myself, they had to put me under completely. No big deal, right? This not only means that I would not be awake to meet my babies, but this meant that Steve would not be allowed in the operating room. This is a rule I do not understand, and still don't really understand. I vented a bit as I was falling asleep - I'm sure they cared. It also means that you don't have pain killers mixed in. The spinal has pain meds mixed in. When you wake up from this method - you have PAIN. Add that on top of everything from before and it was a bum deal.

Our first non-cell phone shot of Eden

But alas, shortly after waking up, I got to see this teeny, TINY, spec of a creature hidden in a ball of cotton in a little incubator on a cart they wheeled over to my bed. They let me touch her briefly before they whisked her off to her hospital across town. She was dark red and very veiny. I could not fathom how tiny she was and yet somehow she looked like she was supposed to.
Meanwhile, our other daughter was being cared for by some amazing nurses. For some reason I had decided that I would hold off on Hannah being brought in to my room until our family was close to town (they were racing from 4 hours away) so that we would all be with her at the same time. I have often wondered if this was the right choice - waiting so long - but alas, hindsight. At any rate, back to these amazing nurses. They washed Hannah, and made these precious molds of her teeny feet. They are so perfect - you can see the wrinkles in her ten tiny toes! They dressed her in a tiny, handmade purple outfit, which would likely fit a very small doll. A volunteer group makes these clothes and small blankets for just these situations, what a blessing. They wrapped her in this miniature handmade quilt and placed her in this basket with a knit hat on and brought her in so that we could hold her.

Hannah's perfect feet and tiny toes

A moment we will never forget

Over a year later I would admit to Steve that up until that day, I truly believed that God was going to give us two living babies even though one heart beat could not be found that Saturday. This baby was still in my belly, still connected and there was still plenty of room for a miracle. Holding her broke me to pieces. Thats a whole separate blog, friends. But it was somehow sweet all the same. We sang songs to her, and somehow squeezed out prayers while it was just Steve and I. They brought in a photographer and he took pictures for us. She deteriorated so quickly, it was so hard. By the time our family got there, it was hard for me to look at her. I wrapped her up even more, but they were able to hold her and say their goodbyes. All too soon it was clearly time to have the nurse take her away. The only way we survived that day is because we have no doubt that our child is in Heaven and that we will see her again!
The rest of that day included me getting an overdose of a variety of pain meds (remember how I mentioned that because they put me under I had no pain meds when I woke up?!) so nothing was getting on top of the pain... and everyone was fighting over who had to sit with little old me and who got to go see Eden ;) They set up a camera on Eden for me so I could just turn on my TV and watch her squirm - and squirm she did! - so I didn't feel too awful not being there. I was seriously just trying to fight my way into a deep pain med sleep... as much as I wanted to be with her, I needed some serious rest - probably more mentally than physically even with the pain I was fighting.

Mama's first visit to NICU

The next day I finally got to take an ambulance (seriously) over to see her. I cupped her in my hands and yet somehow still marveled at how big she was. When you see these preemies on the outside, you still can't fathom how something that big can grow inside of you - its odd. We put Steve's wedding ring on her as an ankle bracelet. She was just so small, and yet so incredibly perfect.

Love at first sight

The rest of her story you probably know. This was my least favorite c-section - but I learned after getting off of the crazy pain meds that next day that this crazy pain was because they had to make a cut in the wrong direction (i forget the medical term) because of the hurry. Basically, the uterus likes to be cut across - going with the grain, and one of mine had to be cut up and down, going against the grain. This equals a whole lot of pain. This also means that there would be no chance of vaginal delivery in my future. Well, I told my doctor we would not be trying to have any more kids... after all we had gone through to get pregnant and all we had dealt with during that pregnancy, we were done.
And God said stay tuned for the next installment....