Hit me with your best shot, fire away...

I am fully aware of the can of worms about to be opened. I'm going to open it anyway because thats just the kind of gal I am. I welcome the lively conversation that should ensue, and I look forward to comments and personal insights. This is a topic that has been hotly debated since Rosie and WWII: The stay-at-home-mom versus the mom that works outside of the home. Can opened.
I have always known that the position of stay-at-home-mom (SAHM from here on out) would not be for me. No, I do not look down on those that choose that position. No, I do not think I am better/stronger/smarter/more productive/etc than any mother that chooses to stay home full time with her children. However, I would like to say very LOUDLY that staying at home is not for everyone. Some moms (or dads) have to work (most families now require at least two full time incomes), and that is perfectly understandable and yet still frowned upon by many circles. Some moms simply are not meant to stay at home full time with their children and for whatever reason, people just can't seem to grasp that concept unless they are of the same mindset.
I am not a SAHM. I had my first go-round when I was on maternity leave with Josiah. Steve stayed home with me for two weeks and then I spent a week visiting my family before returning home to be "on my own" during the day. I called Steve at work almost nonstop. I shortened my maternity leave by two weeks - I was that anxious to get out of the house again. I.WENT.CRAZY. No joke.
We recently made this huge move and career change and I so quickly realized that this is not where I am supposed to be. I kept telling myself that it was only for a couple of months until January when I start classes again. Even so, it feels like forever.
Does this mean I love my children any less than the amazing mother that is thrilled to be at home? Nope, not a chance. It simply means that I am fully aware that I am a better mother when I have a job outside of the home. This week I have been overcome with guilt - hating this trapped feeling and then hating myself for hating it. Its a nasty cycle. The truth is, I shouldn't feel guilty. I love my kids something fierce. I just can't stay home with them 24/7. And that should be okay.
Being a SAHM is an amazing task. When I run down my day to my husband as its coming to a close, his jaw is dropping over all I try to accomplish in a day (with the help of my mom right now, thank God!). Its exhausting just planning out the day. Get kids up. Diapers changed. Make breakfast. Wipe kids up. Get kids dressed. Keep kids from hurting each other. Try to clean up breakfast before the dog gets it. Rescue baby from older sibling. Get babies to nap. Get babies up. Change diapers. Make lunch. Clean up lunch. Naps. Feed.Change.Help.Play.Change.Feed. Somehow you try to fit in 5 loads of laundry, washing/vacuuming the floors, something educational. BLEH. It is a very exhausting job, and I am the first to pipe in and vouch for the position of SAHM being a very tough career, under-appreciated, etc. But it isn't for everyone and that needs to be something that everyone can accept.
We've come a long way as a society in terms of accepting women in the workplace. The glass-ceiling phenomena is still present, but has been opened in many fields. Equal pay isn't quite there, but approaching albeit too slowly. People accept women in the workplace when it is a necessity. I am here to say that it should also be acceptable when women choose to work, even if they don't have to. I am no less a mother than anyone else for wanting to work outside the home. I honestly believe that my son does better in the daycare/school environment because his energy level thrives on solid structure, routine and constant activity - something I cannot give him when I am home with two babies. Is that me saying that someone else should have the task of raising my kids? Absolutely not. I am their mother. As such, I 'train them up in the way they should go', I set the example I want them to follow - and part of that role is also choosing the people I allow to have influence on them (ie daycare provider, etc) (all of this along with their father, of course).
People assume that I am struggling right now because of the extra obstacles being thrown at us right now. "She's exhausted from having a baby that screams all day", "She's stressed out because she has two very needy babies at home/her 4yr old is hyper/she has freaky migraines/etc". Let me just tell you that is not the case. It is exhausting and stressful to be dealing with all of these things, for sure. However, the root cause is that I am feeling trapped and feeling guilty about feeling that way. I want to finish my next degree. I want to be a professor. AND I want to be a mother. I should be able to do all of the above and not be made to feel that I am doing a disservice to my children. They will continue to be amazing, I assure you. And they will feel loved and not lack for attention. And my daughters (and Josiah!) will see me be a wife and mother and professional and I am so excited to see their dreams take root and encourage them to conquer their world too. If they should grow up and decide that they want to be SAHM's I will encourage them in that choice just as much as if they told me they wanted to be a surgeon. And I will make sure they know that either choice is okay because its THEIRS. And doing whats best for them will result in them being their best for their family.
Fire away..

These are a few of my favorite things..

In light of the looming holiday season, I figured it was time to dedicate a few minutes to think about those things in my life that I am thankful for. Not because I want to create a brag list about how perfect my life is (it isn't) or because its almost Thanksgiving so its obligatory. For me, this is more of a needed reminder - in the midst of this chaotic, exhausting valley of recent weeks, there is so much to be thankful for.
I am thankful for my family.
For my parents, who are letting us invade their home while we hang out in limbo for another month until getting our own place. They haven't said a word about us overtaking their space with piles of baby toys/gear/clothes and filling their garbage with an endless stream of diapers. For being there to help with the kiddos and for taking turns bouncing my screaming babe for hours on end.
For my sister, who has been a load of help during this crazy time of me not being to full function (or any function). Driving Josiah to school, letting us invade her space and sharing lunch.
For my cousin and a dear friend - who both have driven me to Fargo for appointments for myself and Delia, dropped their days to be here helping me and reminding me this won't last forever.
For Josiah. We have been blessed with such an amazing boy! He is so incredibly smart, perfectly healthy, and has a great sense of humor. He melts my heart when he gets so excited about certain Bible stories or hears something that reminds him of one of his verses he memorized at school. He sings his heart out and loves to dance.
For Eden. We've had her home for just over a year now - and I am constantly in awe of her even being alive, much less being so incredible. Her life and her perfect health is a blessing beyond words. She entered this world about the size of her current 'hambone'! She looks out the window across the room and chuckles at the birds - reminding me that her eyes are perfect! She hears every tiny noise. She is THISCLOSE to walking on her own two feet, with her own chubby legs! I am just in awe of how powerful God has shown Himself to be through every battle He's brought her through.
For Hannah. I don't know how one can be thankful for the loss of their child, and I still have many days where I ask God those BIG questions. But I am so thankful for what she has taught me. About cherishing your children. About faith. About Heaven. Losing her brought me to the book "Safe in the Arms of God". If you haven't read it, please do. I am thankful for the months I got to spend with her in my tummy and every crazy kick and summersault. I am thankful for the minutes I got to hold her tiny body after she had already been given a healthy Heavenly body. I am thankful for all that I KNOW God is going to do in our lives having brought us through this experience. I am thankful for my sweet little boy who often talks about his Hannah in Heaven. For my chubby-faced Eden, who daily gives me a glimpse at how beautiful Hannah is right now.
For Delia. I am so thankful for this surprise in our life. God gave us this one child with no struggle with my fertility issues. One child we didn't wait years for, didn't cry over not being able to have on our time table, didn't need to have medicines or medical procedures to have. There she was. I am so thankful for one last pregnancy, with minor complications. One last round of baby kicks and wiggles in my belly. One last new baby cry fresh from the womb. I am so thankful that she came to us healthy and huge ;) And I am thankful for every smile and coo that I am catching in her good moments. I am thankful for the hours when the only place she will sleep is on my chest.
The list goes on. Of course, I am thankful for the standard things. We have food, shelter, income, family, friends and the majority of us have good health. We live in a country where we have good doctors for those of us that need them ;) I am thankful that even with all of the chaos and uncertainty surrounding this recent move, we are close to friends and family - and our nieces and nephew especially, so we can be closer to them watching them speed out of childhood.
I am thankful for my God, who is far Bigger and more powerful than anything I am facing or will face in the future. I am thankful for His love, His forgiveness and the evidence of His miracles in my life. But perhaps if I had to pinpoint one of His qualities which I am currently most thankful for (is that possible?) - right now it is that His arms are strong enough to carry me through anything. He gives me another ounce of energy when a child needs me and I am beyond exhaustion. He puts people around me to be strong when I can't - drive when I can't, hold my babies when I can't, etc. He has carried me and this family of mine through so much already, and I know He will carry me through this season as well. And OH, the peak after this valley!!! I can only imagine what is in store :)

The in-between

(I wanted to be sure to add some lighter notes too)

This girl keeps us laughing. She is truly fascinated by dogs, dog tags, dog noises, dog movements, dog ears, pictures of the dog... Anything related to dogs brings out her belly laugh as she chases them around. She finally popped two more teeth on top so we might have a teething break AND as an added bonus she no longer will look like a jack-o-lantern since she's evening out the front now ;) Daylight savings time has not found her yet - she is ready for bed by 6 and up by 5 no matter what! But she wakes up so happy (and SO hungry), you can't really have a better alarm clock!

And this girl! I don't want her to get a bad rap just because she has some crazy tummy issues :) Yesterday was a fairly good day for her and we were able to have some awake time that was happy! You can just tell that she is a happy baby trapped inside this crap stomach. She slept through the night twice this week! She is starting to babble and has such a great smile - when she is able to smile it melts away so much of the stress from her other personality ;)

And our little man. He reminds us every day that time goes too fast! I don't know when he got so big, so smart and so independent. He needs our help less and less these days ;(  But he is a jokester. He loves to play tricks and make up jokes, and he is ticklish beyond belief!

I am so thankful for the in-between. The moments where we have been able to take a quick breath and see one of these smiling faces. That is all the silver lining we need ;)

Helter Skelter

So Steve leaves tomorrow for 3 days out of town followed by a half day at home and 6 more days out of town. Panic has set in.
Delia screams all day long. Something is wrong but nobody knows what. I need to get her to a certain pediatrician in Fargo who will then likely suggest a GI visit. Seriously. Screams. All. Day. Long.
Eden is a one-year-old. A perfect one-year-old. Perfect one-year-olds are trouble. Crawling/Scooting everywhere. Opening every cupboard, finding every non-babyproofed area at Papa's house. Always wanting to be where she shouldn't be. Popping multiple teeth. Chasing the dogs and wanting to poke their eyes. Laughing/crying hysterically (amazing the mood swings of a toddler!).
Josiah is in crisis mode. This transition hit him harder than I could have imagined. He had an extra, unexpected week off before starting his new school, which means an extra week of no routine. He does NOT thrive with no routine.
The underlying current which makes all of this seem impossible to me is that I am currently fighting some unknown issue which doctors are trying to figure out. My family doctor thinks I may have had an onset of MS during this last pregnancy. I cannot drive without panic setting in - driving tends to be where these episodes start. I lose strength in my arms which makes me petrified to pick up my kiddos - unsure if my arms will hold them. They feel like bags of packed wet sand rather than functioning limbs. And so, during the past months, I haven't gone anywhere alone - Steve has to drop me off/pick me up. I don't stay alone with the kids because if this happens to set in, I don't know how I will make that work. It is scary. Some days I don't have the physical ability to bounce my screaming infant for hours until she  finally settles for a 15 minute nap. I can't drive her to visit a doctor. I cannot constantly be chasing/picking up my one-year-old - especially not if I have my infant in my arms because I'm constantly gripping my other hand to make sure an arm doesn't give out. How am I going to get my preK kiddo to school with my husband now starting work? How am I going to get anywhere for that matter? I feel trapped.
We visited with a neurologist in Fargo last week and I go in for a very extensive MRI tomorrow - covering three different areas with and without contrast for each. Sounds like a very nice, overdue nap to me! Another option she mentioned is that theses symptoms could be from very severe migraines even though I am not having the headache associated with them? Either way, I need an answer, I need it fixed and I need to be able to function. It is making this transition seem impossible to have this going on along with everything else. And I'm pretty sure we've had enough happen in the past couple of years - is one more crisis really necessary? What life lesson are we supposed to be learning - like we are missing it each time so we keep getting another crisis thrown at us to try again?
I KNOW I cannot win this battle on my own. I cannot handle the baby that screams every waking hour on my own strength. I cannot handle the used-to-be-precious little boy throwing ridiculous tantrums every day on my own strength. I cannot function as a mother on my own strength. The question then becomes - at what point do I excuse myself from the real life of the day to spend time with the One who can give me that strength? Where is quiet even available for that matter?! If you've found something that works, please let me know ;)

Taking the long way...

AAAGGGGHHH! Totally not grammatically correct, but can you hear me screaming?! Today we had to go to Fargo for a doctor appointment and THEN we had to drive to Rochester to do a final cleaning of our house. Of course, we are kid-free for this lovely ride but OH MAN is it a crazy long ride! I am going van crazy - and that is even with this ridiculous mobile broadband card which is allowing me to wrack my mind for random things to look at online to keep me occupied. My eyes are bugging out. Steve is screaming the song "Too many beans" at the top of his lungs. He's jealous that I get the fun seat and all he gets to do is shove swedish fish in his mouth. The drive was long enough when it was Rochester to Fergus - that extra hour added in there is just torture even for two semi-adults!
We've been playing this game trying to drive the other crazy with grating voices/noises. I don't get bothered easily ;) But I do hate the smell of swedish fish! Blast.
Our first week in Fergus was NOT a success. Love seeing family of course - has nothing to do with that at all. Lets do a brief rundown since I have nothing better to do.
1. Delia is back to the version which screams 80% of the day. No joke. I hate it because something is wrong, she is clearly uncomfortable, but of course our doctor said she didn't see an issue. We switched formulas- got rid of the milk protein - this bought us a few days reprieve, but she is back at it in full swing this week. It is physically and emotionally exhausting for both Steve and I - and this is with both of us home dealing with it. When we get it worked out, she is the happiest thing! But in between its miserable.
2. Eden got sick. We went in initially and the doc (whom I didn't really enjoy) said it was likely strider/croup. No meds, just use a humidifier and keep her room cool. Done. Turned into a nasty cold (hopefully just a cold). THEN she falls on her face (once every 10 minutes) and lands on the knob of the entertainment center, slicing her gums open and gushing blood which would NOT stop. One positive thing about it - it FINALLY cut her other front tooth through! But it was awful. Then she didn't want to eat or touch a cup to her mouth for another day afterward as I'm sure it hurt like crazy. PS Eden is now waking before 6am daily!
3. Josiah is going through what I can only hope is a terrible transition phase. It is AWFUL. He threw a fit on Halloween like we have NEVER seen before. Over eye drops. Because something was in his eye and it was terribly irritated and looked painful. Then we have had this same fit repeated almost every single night at bed time.  He is not a fit-thrower! He is typically so well-behaved. It is beyond frustrating. Maybe mostly because I feel like it is our fault - pulling him out of 5-days a week full time FRIENDS his age and school - structure and constant socializing, taking him to a new place and being stuck home with mom and dad who are busy dealing with the drama his baby sisters are putting us through right now.... we don't have nearly as much time as he needs from us. I had the best of intentions. We bought fun supplies to do projects and activities from a cool science workbook we found. These projects would be done daily during the girl's nap time. Huh. What nap time? Who is napping these days? Maybe Eden if we are lucky. Poor guy. So instead he is lashing out and turning into this crazy person. In the midst of these fits I'm caught between wanting to yank him and put him on his bed versus grabbing him and hugging him so tightly and assuring him(me) that its going to get better. It has to get better. UGH.
This road trip is the perfect cap to our week! Feeling like a Debbie Downer, but thats really how the week went. I can't make this stuff up ;) Hoping that this little break gives us all a chance to recharge and figure out a new/better plan for next week. Only a few more days of Steve being home with us and after the week we just went through his words were "I don't know how you could possibly do this by yourself". I'm thinking now I will likely put Josiah in daycare of some sort in the mornings before he has school (three days per week). He needs kids his own age and to be kept busy. He has watched more tv this week than in the past year combined and I'm not a fan. I think it would really be best for all of us if he got his time away from the girls. There is just too much of an age gap between him and Eden - and too little of one between the two girls - for him to be happy right now. I need my happy boy back!

And now back to the road trip. Its a good thing we still have our sense of humor :) Steve is now breaking out the steering wheel drum so its clear he's gone long enough without my interaction - HA! Does your spouse sing along to songs slurring through all of the words he doesn't know? Do you find it endearing?! When we stopped for gas a few minutes back, I locked him out of the car. He danced his way around the van and I proceeded to let him back in. We saw this on America's Funniest Videos once where the wife took several videos of her locking him out of the car until he would dance.  We still think its funny and dancing the entire way around the car was even better. Of course when he left the car the next time he took the keys. Bummer dude.

Extended Vacation, I am in love with you.

So, as you now know, we are moving! Steve has accepted a new job and we are packing up and heading "home" to Fergus Falls, MN where we grew up. Steve ended up turning in his notice to his previous employer earlier than planned to help me get the house ready to sell.. And when you leave one financial institution to go to another one, they do not let you continue to work for your two-week notice period, but rather they give you a severance and send you on your way. SO! Steve has been home with me since October 5th! Of course, initially our fourth honeymoon was spent furiously cleaning our house to get it ready for a photographer to come from our realtor's office. However, since then, we've been able to do several mini-adventures, taking in many of the activities and sites of the area before we move away (since we never took the time to be adventurous before?!).
We went to a great pumpkin patch. We'd been there before, but it is probably my favorite pumpkin patch so I had to get in a last visit (though we'll probably time a doctor visit to get here again!). Our niece Daphnie was with us for her birthday weekend, and the little girls were at their aunt's house - which worked out well considering all the running the bigger kids did.

We took a day trip up to Como Zoo. We haven't been there since Josiah was one. Eden was just barely interested in the animals (only the ones that moved a lot). Delia slept through the whole thing, as expected. We got a ton of stares for having two babies in our stroller. Welcome to the freak show, ladies and gentlemen!

Josiah checking out an ape skull.

Delia sleeping through lunch.

Eden eagerly awaiting her turn to lick the ice cream.

Josiah snapping a picture of me.

We took another day trip to Whitewater State Park, about 30 minutes from here. We'd never visited but had heard it was a great park to check out and a good place to camp. Well, we aren't quite ready to take our babies cool-weather camping, so we just went for the day. We had our first geocaching experience, and once we got our GPS figured out, it was a lot of fun. Josiah enjoyed it because he had his "own" camera to take pictures of the trip. I haven't developed those yet, but typically half of them are thumbprints ;) Eden slept about half of the time but enjoyed the walk while she was awake, and Delia slept the whole time. This was quite the feat as Steve was new to the Moby wrap and kept getting it halfway off while walking. I'm still not sure how he managed that. The best part was that we got to enjoy this awesome day out with the family AND when we logged our exercise into our daily tracker, it turns out that hiking with a 20lb pack burns a TON of calories! .....and then we went to DQ.

We took another trek out to Carley State Park - about 30 minutes in the other direction (I think?). Steve and I took the girls while Josiah was in school - which ended up being a good decision as this park was way less "park" than the previous one. We did the geocaching thing again, though it was much easier this time. It was such a beautiful day - so nice to be getting out and enjoying this before the dread of winter hits.

This hike was a tiny bit creepy - it was very much 'wilderness', with no one around but the squirrels and a random guy that drove through very slowly in a beat up green taurus. All of the old campfire horror stories came drifting back to mind. Steve said not to worry because he has a great ninja kick. I'm sure that would do the trick, honey!








Eden seems to enjoy riding along in the Beco carrier - and it is super comfy for mom or dad to wear too, which is nice. The Moby wrap has seen its days I think - it was great when Eden was so tiny, but already its harder to use with Delia. Though there are hundreds of people who have figured out how to use it for bigger kids, I think we are going to spring for a second carrier instead - we found ourselves racing to "call" the carrier - to not have to be the one stuck wearing the wrap ;) Steve did much better at keeping it on this time though, and of course, Delia slept through the whole hike.


And now the second babe is awake so I'll have to wait to post the rest of our vacation adventures. I am so loving having this free time before we make this big transition! And now Josiah is done at daycare so he will be home with us for more adventures too. Love this season of our life - too bad it is going to be so short ;)

The day has arrived...

Tomorrow is the big day. Things will be even more final. Big changes. Pretty much throwing the parachute out the window of the plane. Oh man. When the dust settles, I'll be sure to update you - fill you in on our littleBIGnews.

In other breaking news, Steve and I have joined Sparkpeople.com. Yep. Because we are done having babies now and therefore we are now going to embark on a lovely little journey to rid ourselves of the baby weight. We are on day three of the ever-enjoyable plan - exercising and eating reduced calorie diets... Tracy Anderson has this "method" and is sharing it with us in her post-pregnancy workout. You may think its silly that Steve would do this workout with me as its a post-pregnancy workout - but a) I need a partner so I will be motivated and b) it kicks his butt just as much as it kicks mine. At any rate, things are going well. And then tonight, the chocolate cravings kicked in. I am a chocolate girl. It is my coffee for all of you coffee addicts. After a meal at least one bite is required. And I haven't had any for 3 days. So tonight we looked up the nutritional information for oreos. Steve felt my duress and went to the store to buy a package of them (double stuff!) for us. We promptly added 2 oreos to our day's intake and more exercise to match. I'll do another 15 minutes of that crazy tracy and her blasted "method" for chocolate any day.  A perfect world involves me getting back into my pre-baby jeans AND eating chocolate.

Ode to the New Addition

Its happening. The newest addition is bringing out all kinds of "I-haven't-caught-my-breath-in-a-year-and-this-should-work-fine" parenting tricks. With the first baby, we were ridiculously cautious. Never fed the baby a bottle that had been sitting out more than 45 minutes. Always held him with two hands. Always held the bottle, never propped it on the blanket to have a free arm. Always ran to him at the first cry. Bathed him nightly. Rocked every night for an hour. Read five hundred stories. Lullabies. Never fed him "don't-have-time-for-this-to-warm-up-more" milk. Had outfit changes daily, from a ridiculously extensive and adorable wardrobe, sometimes because he puked, but mostly just because he had great clothes. Spent maternity leave holding this one almost constantly (though not necessarily by choice). Took 500 pictures daily (so it seemed).
The second time around was a much different story. Of course, there were special circumstances which forced us to be more careful about some things. Had to mix vitamins with certain amount of milk. Had to mix this much milk with this much formula. Had to apply this cream here. Had to check temp daily, weight weekly. Changed outfits regularly - because she puked a ton but she had such an amazing wardrobe - girls are WAY too fun to shop for. Had to take a million pictures because her followers were antsy and everything was amazing. Spent months doing nothing but cuddling with her. Still had an extra arm.
Oh, but how I feel for our newest addition! Miss Delia, you have been brought into such chaos! We take your bottle out of your mouth so that with the other arm we can unbuckle the highchair straps and lift Eden down. We change your diaper one-handed so that the other arm can keep your siblings from crawling on top of you. We prop your bottle up almost always because there is never a chance for that blessed free arm and there is always something that other arm needs to be doing. We don't get to rock with you because by the time you are ready for bed, Eden is already sleeping. You don't care if we sing or not, though we still do. Instead of bedtime stories, you have heard Daddy read Harry Potter. (To be fair, Josiah got the Chronicles of Narnia during his middle-of-the-night wakings). We do take pictures of you, I swear! Somehow I just can't manage to take 'enough' while keeping your siblings off of you or off of the camera. Maybe you'll understand because I am saving you from imminent danger? Probably not. I remember how many times I got upset with my parents about how my sister, the lovely firstborn, had 10x more pictures in the albums. Oh, and some days you stay in your pajamas all day. At this point, you are still sleeping so much, so it isn't terribly crazy that you would be in pajamas, but still. And you are wearing all hand-me-downs- aside from a couple great things you received from others, your closet is courtesy of your big sister (luckily she had great stuff and its still in style!). Its not a bad thing - its saving a ton of money, and as your Daddy keeps reminding me, you don't care at all at this point. But, as a second child myself, I know how much I hated getting so much of my sister's stuff and not a ton of my own. Not nearly as much cuddle time as Mommy or Daddy would like, though you do get a good amount of being held, don't get me wrong. But maternity leave this time also included your big sister being home with us. Neither of you enjoyed sharing my arms.
Delia, the sweet baby of the family, you have a lot to deal with already. Your brother had 3 1/2 years all to himself and developed somewhat of an only child attitude. Your big sister came out of the womb feisty as all get-out and hasn't slowed down since. Its a lot to tackle, I know. I think you can hack it though ;) And do know this: even now, in the midst of juggling babies and the utter chaos of the big changes happening here, we love you more than anything in this world. You are a miracle no less amazing than those that joined our family before you. You shocked our socks off from the first (of five) pregnancy tests, and the denial stage that followed. How could this happen? A pregnancy with no doctors helping us out?!?! Clearly, you were God's plan, my dear. God chuckled a little bit the day we found out you were coming, I just know it "HA! - bet you didn't see this one coming, eh?!".

All of this to say, that its hard being the baby of the family - especially in this family, especially right now. But we will steal every cuddle, every kiss, every quiet moment that we can to enjoy you while you are still so new. We cherished every kick, every roll and punch because I knew it would be the last time I would feel that life inside of me. And likewise I will cherish every stage you go through now - the last one to have those baby coos, the 'hungry bird' face searching for your bottle, the last one to sleep on my chest. You might have to bonk your big siblings on the head so they hear you say it, but you are crazy special too.

Oh man.

So the wheels are in motion. The first domino has started knocking down the million to follow. OH MAN. Its big. HUGE actually. Its pretty life-changing. Earth shattering stuff.

And.
I.
CAN'T.
TELL.
YOU.

I don't deal well with that. AT ALL. I don't like having big news and not being able to tell everyone and talk about it freely. A few of you know, sure, but here I am still stuck. AND it actually has been my excuse for not getting to this blog for the past few days. A good excuse too. But I can't tell you about it.

OH MAN.

PS: Last night I managed to take a break and spend a few hours with a good friend while she cut the boy's hair and then colored mine and cut it all off. ALL of it off. I have had long/lazy/pregnant lady/mom hair for 2 years now - by choice, because I've been desperately tired and overly lazy due to hormones/preemies/new babies at home stuff. But now I decided I was pretty tired of it and chopped it. I was going to wait until I lost the lovely weight that is attributed to the above-mentioned pregnant/hormones/life of chaos, but I'll just have to get another new cut when that happens to because this couldn't wait. I need to take pictures and I'll do that soon....

Mission accomplished

I have been incredibly hesitant to venture out of the house with the two babies on my own. I have come up with a list of excuses why I cannot do it. They nap at different times so I would have to wake one up to go out. I'm still under lifting restrictions after the c-section so I can't lift them both at the same time, thus can't get them into the stroller/car. If one of them freaks out on the walk, there is no second pair of hands to take her out of the stroller and carry her/feed her/calm her while we continue. The list keeps growing.
But it is BEAUTIFUL outside this week. Seriously. And I HATE winter and know that it will be here all too soon and am really getting bummed about not being able to soak up every minute of warm sunshine because of my dumb list. SO! Today we did it.
After lunch, they took turns getting dressed (hey, its okay to lounge in jammies for the morning nap!) and diapers changed and then it was time to figure out the transfer. Here is where the problem lies. My stroller is in the garage (detached from our house). There is not an option of me carrying both babies to the stroller and getting them in simultaneously. So, breaking those lovely rules of lifting restrictions, I put Delia in her car seat for the transfer. This made her WAY more heavy. With a 20lb babe in the other arm. Then we had to get out of the house. Our entry area has a really funny set up. There are 4 doors to open from the kitchen to get outside. FOUR doors. Can you just try to picture how ridiculous this was? But alas. I got through three of the four and was able to set Delia down (still in her car seat) in the sunroom. Eden and I walked to the garage and got the stroller and then parked it right outside of the 4th door while I put Eden in and then got Delia. Did I mention I also had my phone/keys/water bottle/camera in my hands? Just absurd.
But we got OUT! We walked about a mile before Eden decided she was ready for her nap and we headed home. The weather was beautiful and it felt great to be out....and its quite lovely now that they are both sleeping at the same time after all that fresh air!
It was much needed stress relief. Eden is cutting 4 teeth all at once - great because we get them over with all at once, but man is she a terror! She is so incredibly moody - it is seriously like living with a 13 year old girl! Her aunt will love having her for the weekend ;)
for some reason this tool is not letting me add pictures today so I'll have to come back for that later :)

Oh no...

I missed a day! Maybe I'll do a double post to make up for it? ;) Its quite comical. Off and on throughout the day yesterday I was thinking "ooh, I need to get a post done!" and then a child would cry/poop/puke/fall and I would be distracted. Its amazing to me how spacey I act these days! Living my days with 24/7 distractions makes me appear rather ditsy. I'm not, I swear!

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I had to sit down with Josiah and try to tell him (in a way that a 4 year old would understand) that our life will not always be like this. That one day very soon, these babies will be a bit older and Mommy and Daddy won't be running around like chickens with our heads cut off. And we'll be able to do more fun things because they won't be needy all the time. Actually have fun with Josiah instead of him wanting to escape to his own world of legos.

Thats not to say that we don't hang out with him, we do. But I feel like its so not enough lately - or maybe it can never be enough, and maybe its also compounded by the fact that I see the girls all day but don't see him as much. Either way, we need more time with him. And frankly, babysitters are expensive when we do take him out by himself - and then I feel guilty for leaving his sister with a babysitter.

Truthfully, I feel kind of bad for Josiah. As the older sibling - and there is a 3.5 year gap between them - its a rough position. He plays way too rough to really play with Eden, and his toys are too small/choke-worthy for her to play with him. He wants to be a helper with his sisters - SO badly - but again, isn't gentle enough, but also thats just not what I want for him. I don't want his childhood to be spent caring for his siblings. I want him to be a kid!

But alas, right now things are hectic and it seems like Steve and I just play tag-team with the babies all the time and Josiah gets the raw end of the deal. Sounds like I need to plan an outing just for the big kids! That will be a nice break for me too (no offense girls!).

How do you balance your time? I wish there was a manual for this ;)

And then came YOU.

Miss Eden (I have a feeling you will demand you be called this very soon),

You are a rather....interesting...child. Sometimes we call you our monster baby. I believe my dad called me this as a child, but it was for totally different reasons I am sure of that.
You have the most...unique...attitude. You want to be the boss at all times. You are fine playing on your own - until you aren't in the mood for that and then will scream if we set you down or turn our head the other way for a second. You do everything on your schedule and expect others to fall in line. I can see a little bit of Margaret in you (from Dennis the Menace!).
You are...aggressive...it sounds harsh, baby girl, but you are. You attack everything. When you crawl, your hands pound the floor so hard with each movement. When you play with your activity table, you don't merely push buttons, you beat on them. I'm surprised more of your toys haven't broken by now, to be quite frank. You attack food. You put everything into your mouth with mucho gusto. Or, on the flip side, spit it out with mucho gusto as well. You have more bruises in any given week than Josiah ever did before he turned 2. You think everything is a good thing to pull up on. You've tipped your piano and barn over on yourself more times than I can count - but you just keep playing as you lay there with it on top of you. You attack strings. Any kind of strings. One of your favorite toys, for sure. Strings on my sweatshirts, strings on shoes. Strings on my pants. Straps from your highchair, from your car seat. You yank on them and shake them like mad. You shove them in your mouth, of course, and then return to shaking them with all your might. You have chewed every beautiful edge off of your crib. Mommy and Daddy had a little talk when we were worried about you getting too much of that finish in your mouth!
You are exhausting. No sitting and playing for you. You are everywhere, constant motion, and trying to find trouble - I swear! So Mommy and Daddy are constantly chasing after you - closing doors, picking up anything from your path. Keeping you off of things, getting things out of your mouth. I can't sweep the floor enough times in one day for you!!
You are the most curious child! You have to check out everything, and are most curious about the very places we forbid you to go (of course!). The bathroom is highest on your hit list. You are bound and determined to make it all the way from the door to the garbage can on the other side of that little room without being spotted and swooped up. This feat has yet to be accomplished, but one of these days I'm sure you'll get us.
You are sweet. You have the most beautiful, redemptive smile out there. God blessed you (me) with this on purpose, I just know it. Your smile is infectious; your laughter contagious. Making you giggle is one of our favorite pastimes. Ah, but your favorite is your brother. Anything Josiah does is incredibly hilarious to you. The two of you will be great friends in the years to come.

You make me smile even in the worst moments. When the very thing you need is a nap, and yet I hear you jumping in your crib singing a song at the top of your lungs, it makes my heart melt. When its late you refuse sleep because you aren't feeling good (or just plain don't want to give in!), rocking with you is the most wonderful thing. I swear you remember me singing to you while you were still in the NICU. 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' is still the one song that gets you to calm down.
You are so BIG! I'm not sure how that happened! How can you go from one pound to nearly 20 in the blink of an eye?! In the midst of the hardest moment, God is gracious to remind me that you are such a miraculous gift.

What I've learned from living with a four-year-old...

Disclaimer: My four-year-old may be different from yours. Also, despite the challenging points listed here, I love every piece of him.

Mine is ALWAYS right.

Mine will argue about anything if he gets the impression you are saying he isn't right. About anything.

Mine still needs naps but will assure you repeatedly that he doesn't. Meltdowns may ensue.

Mine truly thinks he is/should be the boss. About everything.

Mine has learned the art of complaining. "I don't like that soup" "That makes me puke" "I'm allergic, I swear".

Mine has learned the art of manipulation. "Mommy said I could do this" (when Mommy said no such thing). He will move on to the next parent/adult in the room immediately after one says no - right in front of you!

Mine has lost most of the baby features about him. It makes me sad when I notice this across the dinner table.

Mine is all boy. 500% boy. Wrestling. Ninja. Transformers. Star Wars. Dirt. Battling of any kind.

Mine is mischief. He doesn't know who knocked his sister down/peed on the floor/broke the toy, but surely it wasn't him.

Mine is a protector. Constantly checking on his sisters' whereabouts and making sure they are okay. 

Mine is sweet (yes, despite all characteristics listed above!). He says "I love you mommy/daddy" before leaving for his day. He still offers hugs and kisses freely. Still says he loves me more than dinosaurs or chocolate - or, my favorite, anything in this world. His prayers before bed make my heart melt, even when he prays for dinosaurs.

Mine is smart. The words that come out of his mouth are impressive. He's covered the basic addition, telling time and is figuring out reading.

Mine is brave. So many new things tackled this summer. Fears overcome. Growing up before my eyes.

We're back!

In the midst of pure chaos all around us right now, we have decided to take another crack at keeping up with this blog stuff ;)
At the moment, the house is quiet - three kids napping all at once! But it won't last long, and so for now, just a quick run down of the news (pictures to follow).

Josiah is now four and a half and seems like he's all grown up. Somehow, as much as we try to prevent it, there comes a day when a child wakes up and is no longer your little boy (girl) - but now a full fledged kid. He doesn't look like a little guy any more - the baby features are fading fast. Sigh. He is currently in a great preschool program called KinderChallenge - we had a very proud parent moment when they tested him into this class even though he wasn't quite old enough for the test. He is loving school though. He goes to daycare/preschool in the morning and then to his school in the afternoons - definitely exhausted by the time he comes home! He is very busy mastering his bike and now that there have been some cold/rainy evenings again, he's been working on the wii skills with Daddy too. And of course, he's busy 'taking care' of his little sisters too.

Eden turned one in August and she is our wild child by every definition of the word. She has a very strong personality and is such an aggressive kid - such a difference from Josiah at that age! She is hilarious and exhausting all at once. Right now Eden is home with me while I am on maternity leave. This has been an adventure, to say the least! She isn't quite sure she likes having another baby in the house! She is crawling everywhere and pulling up on everything she can find. Her favorite food is probably ice cream, but don't worry - we don't feed her treats every day ;)

And our newest addition, Delia Grace, joined us on August 28th. She was born at 35 weeks but was still a solid 6lbs 11oz and 19 inches long! Good thing we didn't go full term with that one - yikes! She has been a great baby - a good sleeper, of course, and generally just content unless she's hungry. We've gone on a ton of walks with her and Eden in our new double stroller and she just passes right out. I'm sure there will be some interesting arguments between these two ladies as the years go by: "I'm more special, I was in the NICU longer than you", "No, I'm more special - I was a medical miracle" - that sort of thing. And if Delia's personality is anything like Eden's, it should be quite the ride for the rest of us! Here's hoping she is our one calm child ;)
There you have it sportsfans. More to follow...

Legos

I should have known. I should have listened to my wife. I didn't think ahead 4 years into the future when I decided to dump all my legos into one big ol bin. I didn't realize how frustrated my three-year-old would be with me when it takes me hours(no I'm not kidding) over a course of three days to build a lego train. Have you ever tried to find a 1x1 square piece in a pile of 1000 other lego pieces? I used to like legos and I remember the days at Paul Hintgen's house building legos for hours on end with a big bin 'o legos. I realize now just how much time we had to devote to legos. I didn't own a watch back then or play a lot of sports other than baseball. Josiah luckily is still very interrested in the train but won't be playing with it for probably another 3 days. I think I owe it to the little guy to finish the stupid train due to the fact that we utterly crushed him by not getting this $80 yellow train he saw at Toys R Us that was within eyesight of the return counter a few weeks before Christmas. I will finish the train. I will sort the legos. I won't be buying any more legos for a long time.