I suppose an itch is probably more appropriate - but the old SNL sketch makes me laugh every time, so it fits.
Lately I have had an itch. I've tried (and failed) many times to explain it to people who have asked. I took a break from church, and (rightfully so) friends had asked me what that was about. I couldn't quite put it into words. I felt "itchy". Out of place. Stuck. Like I was just spinning wheels. Not with any specific church, but with THE church here - I have felt torn. It had become this ritual to go to a service on Sunday morning, where everyone feels the need to put on their fanciest clothes, sit nice, sing well, listen quietly, and shake a few hands - and then scramble to get lunch. Is this what church is really supposed to be? Is this all there is?
I talked this through with my husband and we decided that we could take a break. We spent Sundays with our little family, unplugged, and actively engaging with our kids. It was a great vacation. But he and I differ so much - in that he felt a constant pressure to be present at church. He admitted that it was because others expected his attendance, and I scoffed at this. (Of course I would scoff, right?!) For me, it was no big deal to throw the opinions of others out if it meant that I could get this sorted out in my own mind. Get this itch fixed.
Then I read the book "Anything", by Jennie Allen. (Read this book, highly recommend it). Life changing in a way similar to "7", this book had me responding out loud. If I was a lift-my-arm-and-shout-hallelujah kind of girl, this is what the scene would have been. LONG story short, but this author writes about how she felt this similar stuck-ness. And she decided that she needed to pray - letting God know she was willing to do anything, give up anything. Too comfortable, too cushy. Is my life too easy? Too big of a house? Should I get rid of a car? Do I need to move? Jesus said that we must be willing to give up our very FAMILY for him. Puke. That is so scary! But this book (and there is much more to it) began to point me in the right direction in terms of fixing my own itch. And I told my husband he'd better read it because I wanted to sell everything and move to Africa. Or adopt a few babies. The point that started to grow in me was "what am I willing to do with this knowledge I have?!". I can't continue going through the sunday church ritual and not DOING. Great message, pastor, but now kick me in the pants and tell me to take this to the neighbors. Take this to the orphans, the addicts, the sick, etc. The gospel requires active participation!
But what will that look like for ME? After spending a day devouring this book (instead of thesis writing!), I immediately sent off preliminary inquiries to a couple of adoption agencies regarding Haitian adoption. (Haiti has always been a country on my heart). AFTER doing this, I had an interesting text conversation with Steve. His message "Sorry, I forgot to mention that I have a late appointment scheduled today". My response: "Sorry, I may have sent preliminary adoption inquiries out today". Yep, did that without talking to him. Oops. In the end, we are too young to adopt from there anyway (boo!), but it got us talking about this, and it got him to read the book :) We currently sponsor a child from there, and are now looking into mission opportunities until we hit the ripe old age of 35 and can seriously begin that adoption process if that is what we are supposed to do.
A couple of weeks later, I met with an amazing mentor who told me about a missionary from Haiti that would be speaking at a local church that night. And then the next morning we went to that church and there he was again - telling us to be the feet, asking us what we were doing with the gospel message - what was holding us back. I felt like I got a 2x4 on the head in terms of affirming where I needed to be plugging in to a local church. And through MPR, this church, a blog, etc., I have heard this same message at least 10 times in the past 2 months. I think I'm getting the message? Probably not a coincidence.
This is the life I want. Wanting to be ready and willing to give up ANYTHING God asks of me. And yes, I started praying that prayer. I love my new house, but if it isn't where I should be… (and if You want me somewhere warmer, I won't complain at all!). These career paths we've chosen - felt like good ideas, serving our interests, meeting our needs. But if it isn't God's best for us? Then I want to be willing to let go. I need to stop trying to ask God to make my plans work - and instead start fitting myself into His plans for me. I've long since had this perfect scrapbook idea of what my life would be - but I need to be able to say "rip out a few pages where You want to, edit freely God"...
I want a life that is radical like my Jesus was, willing to sit with the Sinners and love them, not expecting change first, but showing grace always. I am digging into this book "Permission Granted - and other thoughts on living graciously among sinners and saints" by Margot Starbuck - and it resonates SO much with me! Gone are my days of holding the signs in a picket line (though admittedly, I've only done that once - in Junior High) - I'd so much rather bring cupcakes to the women who are hurting and love on them than judge them with my pretty posters. Am I willing to be scorned for dining with tax collectors like Jesus was? Has "do not conform" become an excuse for do not engage with, do not show love to, do not reach out to? An excuse to set ourselves apart by segregating and being exclusive and judging- not being able to like those that are not in our club? Guess where Jesus would be? Not in our club.
As I venture through this book (and OH, our little book club is starting "Radical" soon!), I'll try to be posting thoughts - because I love a good discussion and because I love good books. And I don't take anything personally, so share freely if you have thoughts!
