Hit me with your best shot, fire away...

I am fully aware of the can of worms about to be opened. I'm going to open it anyway because thats just the kind of gal I am. I welcome the lively conversation that should ensue, and I look forward to comments and personal insights. This is a topic that has been hotly debated since Rosie and WWII: The stay-at-home-mom versus the mom that works outside of the home. Can opened.
I have always known that the position of stay-at-home-mom (SAHM from here on out) would not be for me. No, I do not look down on those that choose that position. No, I do not think I am better/stronger/smarter/more productive/etc than any mother that chooses to stay home full time with her children. However, I would like to say very LOUDLY that staying at home is not for everyone. Some moms (or dads) have to work (most families now require at least two full time incomes), and that is perfectly understandable and yet still frowned upon by many circles. Some moms simply are not meant to stay at home full time with their children and for whatever reason, people just can't seem to grasp that concept unless they are of the same mindset.
I am not a SAHM. I had my first go-round when I was on maternity leave with Josiah. Steve stayed home with me for two weeks and then I spent a week visiting my family before returning home to be "on my own" during the day. I called Steve at work almost nonstop. I shortened my maternity leave by two weeks - I was that anxious to get out of the house again. I.WENT.CRAZY. No joke.
We recently made this huge move and career change and I so quickly realized that this is not where I am supposed to be. I kept telling myself that it was only for a couple of months until January when I start classes again. Even so, it feels like forever.
Does this mean I love my children any less than the amazing mother that is thrilled to be at home? Nope, not a chance. It simply means that I am fully aware that I am a better mother when I have a job outside of the home. This week I have been overcome with guilt - hating this trapped feeling and then hating myself for hating it. Its a nasty cycle. The truth is, I shouldn't feel guilty. I love my kids something fierce. I just can't stay home with them 24/7. And that should be okay.
Being a SAHM is an amazing task. When I run down my day to my husband as its coming to a close, his jaw is dropping over all I try to accomplish in a day (with the help of my mom right now, thank God!). Its exhausting just planning out the day. Get kids up. Diapers changed. Make breakfast. Wipe kids up. Get kids dressed. Keep kids from hurting each other. Try to clean up breakfast before the dog gets it. Rescue baby from older sibling. Get babies to nap. Get babies up. Change diapers. Make lunch. Clean up lunch. Naps. Feed.Change.Help.Play.Change.Feed. Somehow you try to fit in 5 loads of laundry, washing/vacuuming the floors, something educational. BLEH. It is a very exhausting job, and I am the first to pipe in and vouch for the position of SAHM being a very tough career, under-appreciated, etc. But it isn't for everyone and that needs to be something that everyone can accept.
We've come a long way as a society in terms of accepting women in the workplace. The glass-ceiling phenomena is still present, but has been opened in many fields. Equal pay isn't quite there, but approaching albeit too slowly. People accept women in the workplace when it is a necessity. I am here to say that it should also be acceptable when women choose to work, even if they don't have to. I am no less a mother than anyone else for wanting to work outside the home. I honestly believe that my son does better in the daycare/school environment because his energy level thrives on solid structure, routine and constant activity - something I cannot give him when I am home with two babies. Is that me saying that someone else should have the task of raising my kids? Absolutely not. I am their mother. As such, I 'train them up in the way they should go', I set the example I want them to follow - and part of that role is also choosing the people I allow to have influence on them (ie daycare provider, etc) (all of this along with their father, of course).
People assume that I am struggling right now because of the extra obstacles being thrown at us right now. "She's exhausted from having a baby that screams all day", "She's stressed out because she has two very needy babies at home/her 4yr old is hyper/she has freaky migraines/etc". Let me just tell you that is not the case. It is exhausting and stressful to be dealing with all of these things, for sure. However, the root cause is that I am feeling trapped and feeling guilty about feeling that way. I want to finish my next degree. I want to be a professor. AND I want to be a mother. I should be able to do all of the above and not be made to feel that I am doing a disservice to my children. They will continue to be amazing, I assure you. And they will feel loved and not lack for attention. And my daughters (and Josiah!) will see me be a wife and mother and professional and I am so excited to see their dreams take root and encourage them to conquer their world too. If they should grow up and decide that they want to be SAHM's I will encourage them in that choice just as much as if they told me they wanted to be a surgeon. And I will make sure they know that either choice is okay because its THEIRS. And doing whats best for them will result in them being their best for their family.
Fire away..

These are a few of my favorite things..

In light of the looming holiday season, I figured it was time to dedicate a few minutes to think about those things in my life that I am thankful for. Not because I want to create a brag list about how perfect my life is (it isn't) or because its almost Thanksgiving so its obligatory. For me, this is more of a needed reminder - in the midst of this chaotic, exhausting valley of recent weeks, there is so much to be thankful for.
I am thankful for my family.
For my parents, who are letting us invade their home while we hang out in limbo for another month until getting our own place. They haven't said a word about us overtaking their space with piles of baby toys/gear/clothes and filling their garbage with an endless stream of diapers. For being there to help with the kiddos and for taking turns bouncing my screaming babe for hours on end.
For my sister, who has been a load of help during this crazy time of me not being to full function (or any function). Driving Josiah to school, letting us invade her space and sharing lunch.
For my cousin and a dear friend - who both have driven me to Fargo for appointments for myself and Delia, dropped their days to be here helping me and reminding me this won't last forever.
For Josiah. We have been blessed with such an amazing boy! He is so incredibly smart, perfectly healthy, and has a great sense of humor. He melts my heart when he gets so excited about certain Bible stories or hears something that reminds him of one of his verses he memorized at school. He sings his heart out and loves to dance.
For Eden. We've had her home for just over a year now - and I am constantly in awe of her even being alive, much less being so incredible. Her life and her perfect health is a blessing beyond words. She entered this world about the size of her current 'hambone'! She looks out the window across the room and chuckles at the birds - reminding me that her eyes are perfect! She hears every tiny noise. She is THISCLOSE to walking on her own two feet, with her own chubby legs! I am just in awe of how powerful God has shown Himself to be through every battle He's brought her through.
For Hannah. I don't know how one can be thankful for the loss of their child, and I still have many days where I ask God those BIG questions. But I am so thankful for what she has taught me. About cherishing your children. About faith. About Heaven. Losing her brought me to the book "Safe in the Arms of God". If you haven't read it, please do. I am thankful for the months I got to spend with her in my tummy and every crazy kick and summersault. I am thankful for the minutes I got to hold her tiny body after she had already been given a healthy Heavenly body. I am thankful for all that I KNOW God is going to do in our lives having brought us through this experience. I am thankful for my sweet little boy who often talks about his Hannah in Heaven. For my chubby-faced Eden, who daily gives me a glimpse at how beautiful Hannah is right now.
For Delia. I am so thankful for this surprise in our life. God gave us this one child with no struggle with my fertility issues. One child we didn't wait years for, didn't cry over not being able to have on our time table, didn't need to have medicines or medical procedures to have. There she was. I am so thankful for one last pregnancy, with minor complications. One last round of baby kicks and wiggles in my belly. One last new baby cry fresh from the womb. I am so thankful that she came to us healthy and huge ;) And I am thankful for every smile and coo that I am catching in her good moments. I am thankful for the hours when the only place she will sleep is on my chest.
The list goes on. Of course, I am thankful for the standard things. We have food, shelter, income, family, friends and the majority of us have good health. We live in a country where we have good doctors for those of us that need them ;) I am thankful that even with all of the chaos and uncertainty surrounding this recent move, we are close to friends and family - and our nieces and nephew especially, so we can be closer to them watching them speed out of childhood.
I am thankful for my God, who is far Bigger and more powerful than anything I am facing or will face in the future. I am thankful for His love, His forgiveness and the evidence of His miracles in my life. But perhaps if I had to pinpoint one of His qualities which I am currently most thankful for (is that possible?) - right now it is that His arms are strong enough to carry me through anything. He gives me another ounce of energy when a child needs me and I am beyond exhaustion. He puts people around me to be strong when I can't - drive when I can't, hold my babies when I can't, etc. He has carried me and this family of mine through so much already, and I know He will carry me through this season as well. And OH, the peak after this valley!!! I can only imagine what is in store :)

The in-between

(I wanted to be sure to add some lighter notes too)

This girl keeps us laughing. She is truly fascinated by dogs, dog tags, dog noises, dog movements, dog ears, pictures of the dog... Anything related to dogs brings out her belly laugh as she chases them around. She finally popped two more teeth on top so we might have a teething break AND as an added bonus she no longer will look like a jack-o-lantern since she's evening out the front now ;) Daylight savings time has not found her yet - she is ready for bed by 6 and up by 5 no matter what! But she wakes up so happy (and SO hungry), you can't really have a better alarm clock!

And this girl! I don't want her to get a bad rap just because she has some crazy tummy issues :) Yesterday was a fairly good day for her and we were able to have some awake time that was happy! You can just tell that she is a happy baby trapped inside this crap stomach. She slept through the night twice this week! She is starting to babble and has such a great smile - when she is able to smile it melts away so much of the stress from her other personality ;)

And our little man. He reminds us every day that time goes too fast! I don't know when he got so big, so smart and so independent. He needs our help less and less these days ;(  But he is a jokester. He loves to play tricks and make up jokes, and he is ticklish beyond belief!

I am so thankful for the in-between. The moments where we have been able to take a quick breath and see one of these smiling faces. That is all the silver lining we need ;)